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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

should I rename my blog?

I'm considering changing the name of my blog.

"The Socially Awkward Therapist"

Cause really, that's what I am.

When out of the realm of "I have known you for a long time" or am playing my introductory professional role, I often have no idea what to say to you. None. Overthinking your potential judgement of me.

Sometimes I wonder what the heck I am doing as a therapist. Trying to help others be better, more confidant, more ok with themselves, when I am so desperately trying to figure so much of that out for myself.

Recently I volunteered at a Fundraiser for the domestic violence shelter I work for. It was a high priced event, needless to say, none of my peers would be there as anything but other volunteers. And I was a casino dealer. Really? me? I've never gambled in my life, much less stepped foot in a casino (outside of it being the only air-conditioned building within 10 miles while in the south for a bit of relief) nor am I very flirty or outgoing. I just am what I am. Somehow I was able to make it work. I mean, its just passing out cards and counting, right?

The problem is, I don't have anything to add to normal conversations with those of the upper eshalon that are at an event such as this. Even those in my somewhat newer middle-class surroundings, I find it difficult to fit in. I generally have nothing to say. Nothing.

Conversations sometimes go like this...

Them: "blah blah blah, the country club I belong to..."
What I want to say: " my first job was as a caddy at 12 at a country club"
What I actually say:  "...     "

Them: " oh I can't wait to be done paying for all of my kids educations/student loans/weddings..."
What I want to say: either "that's awesome that you did that or" "wow, I paid for all that myself"
What I actually say:: "...    "

Them:  "My parents have been married for 50 years!"
What I want to say "my mom's been dead for 3 years and my dad is a douschbag"
What I say: "...     "
(however my in-laws have been married for at least this long and don't feel awkward there at all)

Them: "That backpacking trip through Europe during/right after college was the greatest experience of my life"
What I want to say : "lucky bastard"
What I actually say: "...   "

My contributions sound like a pity party or are accomplishments that I am really proud of that people just don't get. (or I assume they just don't get)

In all actuality, I'm jealous. I feel less than and probably therefore act like I am less than. It is the CBT way, right? We act what we believe?

And yes, I know, I am not "less than"
(disconnect between heart and brain?)
We have all been created to be unique , yet equal in value.

Its just that growing and learning and becoming more confidant stuff. Why does it have to be so uncomfortable?

Thats why i guess I am still a work in progress.

2 comments:

  1. I would venture to guess that a lot of those peoople have their own insecurities too and "hide" behind those type of statements that are meant to impress you. I would have nothing to say either other than asking them questions and not talking about myself at all (unless they asked me questions too...but they usually don't).Then I just try to be kind and smile.

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  2. LOL! ur blog is perfectly named. I agree with Terry too. ur definitely not alone in the socially awkward dept, either. I rarely start the conversation. Do you know how long it took me before I was comfortable enough to talk some smack at that office?? I think that just the fact that you aware of these things about yourself is already leaps and bounds in itself. XD

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