I'm considering changing the name of my blog.
"The Socially Awkward Therapist"
Cause really, that's what I am.
When out of the realm of "I have known you for a long time" or am playing my introductory professional role, I often have no idea what to say to you. None. Overthinking your potential judgement of me.
Sometimes I wonder what the heck I am doing as a therapist. Trying to help others be better, more confidant, more ok with themselves, when I am so desperately trying to figure so much of that out for myself.
Recently I volunteered at a Fundraiser for the domestic violence shelter I work for. It was a high priced event, needless to say, none of my peers would be there as anything but other volunteers. And I was a casino dealer. Really? me? I've never gambled in my life, much less stepped foot in a casino (outside of it being the only air-conditioned building within 10 miles while in the south for a bit of relief) nor am I very flirty or outgoing. I just am what I am. Somehow I was able to make it work. I mean, its just passing out cards and counting, right?
The problem is, I don't have anything to add to normal conversations with those of the upper eshalon that are at an event such as this. Even those in my somewhat newer middle-class surroundings, I find it difficult to fit in. I generally have nothing to say. Nothing.
Conversations sometimes go like this...
Them: "blah blah blah, the country club I belong to..."
What I want to say: " my first job was as a caddy at 12 at a country club"
What I actually say: "... "
Them: " oh I can't wait to be done paying for all of my kids educations/student loans/weddings..."
What I want to say: either "that's awesome that you did that or" "wow, I paid for all that myself"
What I actually say:: "... "
Them: "My parents have been married for 50 years!"
What I want to say "my mom's been dead for 3 years and my dad is a douschbag"
What I say: "... "
(however my in-laws have been married for at least this long and don't feel awkward there at all)
Them: "That backpacking trip through Europe during/right after college was the greatest experience of my life"
What I want to say : "lucky bastard"
What I actually say: "... "
My contributions sound like a pity party or are accomplishments that I am really proud of that people just don't get. (or I assume they just don't get)
In all actuality, I'm jealous. I feel less than and probably therefore act like I am less than. It is the CBT way, right? We act what we believe?
And yes, I know, I am not "less than"
(disconnect between heart and brain?)
We have all been created to be unique , yet equal in value.
Its just that growing and learning and becoming more confidant stuff. Why does it have to be so uncomfortable?
Thats why i guess I am still a work in progress.