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Thursday, March 15, 2012

Size doesn't matter

I love my grandma. I really do.

She's 87 years old and has been a huge part of my life. Growing up my sisters and I would spend a good portion of the summer with her in northwest Indiana spending days on end at the beach on the Lake Michigan shore. She would come up with creative art projects for us to do and make magical lunches. It was one the only places where we had a strict schedule, i.e nap time, reading time, beach time, bed time, etc.

She s always been supportive of our pursuits, never said a bad word about anyone, doesn't play into the gossip game (that the rest of my family can).

She currently lives in Florida and we visit her at least once a year. And I talk to her on the phone weekly. And she is thrilled to death to have her first great grandson.

But currently, I cannot talk to her.

Well, on the phone at least. We've done the webcam a few times and that has worked out well because either her husband is also on the cam or Ben starts to fuss and cuts it off short.

What has become so intolerable?

My grandma, who again I adore...has begun discussing very awkward topics and then repeats herself in them. Namely, my "endowment".

Now its no secret that I am "well endowed". Genetics probably on my mothers side. its not something you can easily hide. My grandma asked me once if I was nursing or formula feeding and I stated that I was nursing, and ever since then, its all she can talk about. How "perfectly" I have been created for nursing and how she never could nurse because she was "flat chested". And then goes on and on about it.

Now, if only that had anything to do with it. Which size has nothing to do with nurse-ability

THe first time she brought it up, I just ignored it. The second and third times, it irritated me, but I again just let it go or changed the subject. Somewhere around the 4th or 5th time, I started to react to it and engage, mentioning that actually, size has nothing to do with being able to nurse. The 6th time I started to use examples of others who are small and nurse. The 7th or 8th time I started to discuss the science and how some people give up or just can't do it physically, but size is not the issue. And she argues and insists her point.

And reminding her that we've had this discussion 10 times before only creates an issue of dementia/forgetfulness that makes her feel really bad that I do not want to initiate.

When I see its her calling, I hesitate to answer. Do I really want to discuss my size and nursing with my grandma again!?

Now, I'm not sure what it is that drives me so crazy about this conversation. It is the fact that I am discussing this topic with my grandma? Is it the focus on my "endowment" and i am already insecure about that frustrated me? Is it the repetition? Her insecurity/self-defense? The purely wrong information and I like to be right? I don't know. Maybe a combination of all of the above. But its certainly not a conversation I want to have with  my grandma once, much less 10 times.

Or maybe I just need to suck it up and deal with it because she's my grandma. And sometimes its just what you have to do.

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