Christmas letter

I had a giggle this year while attempting to write our annual Christmas letter that goes out with our Christmas cards. It usually highlights the things that we have done, accomplished, people and places we saw, and career moves. But this years letter, we pretty much had one thing to say.

That is, our family changed beautifully and irreversibly forever. We welcomed the future, a slew of hopes and dreams, joy and exhaustion beyond comparison. This guy:

And how do you write this in a Christmas letter?
If you received one, it was amusingly short by our standards.

This kid has altered everything I know about everything. What was important is now not. What was not even on the radar a year ago takes precedence.

Anxiety has been iteresting. I think we all havea litle anxiety, and I consier myself pretty calm. However all of my past anxiety was so self centered. i.e. "will I lose baby weight". "what does my boss think of me" "how do I look" "whos going to judge the cleanliness of my house' "me me me me". And don't get me wrong, I'm pretty self-centered still. Just the meaning has altered. i.e. I want to be healthy to be able to keep up with my kid and be a good example to him.

Now much anxiety is around him. Who is he with. What is he exposed to. Is he growing fast enough compared to everyone else? Is he safe? Is he getting enough sleep, food, floor time, learning, water, milk, etc. And I almost panic when I imagine adolescent years.

He also imspires me to want to be more, to be better. I want him to have the very best people around him and that does start at home. He makes me consider very carefully what my goals and "New Years Resolutions" will be. (which will be another post hopefully)

one thing I have noticed the last 2 weeks is how much I love other people loving my baby. He's been around family so much for the holidays and he is so bright and giggly and spreads that to others. He also just has good people in his life as family. Increasing fmily involvement may be a resolution on my list. Knowing he is surrounded by so much love lowers my anxiety.

Burris:

Fronczak:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years all.

the struggle of grief

Well, I've been a bit vacant in the blog world lately. I blame sickness and holidays and other whatnot. I would like to add lack of anything to say. Not that there hasn't been anything to write about, but sometimes configuring a plethora of thoughts into a concise document can prove difficult. I am not known for being concise.

That being said, obviously there was a major event in American history that went down last week. That is, a gunman entered a grade school and killed several innocent children and teachers and finally himself. It is horrific, it is senseless and a dark dark day in human history.

And in the past week, thanks to the news and to Facebook, I have witnessed the grief of my fellow humans. It took a comment by a friend of mine to realize that some other peoples seemingly non-nonsensical political raving, is most likely their grief. Whether I like their grief or not, its how they are choosing to cope.

And not that I am an expert in coping or grief.  My own mother passed away 3 years ago and I have still not allowed myself to go through the process very well. Grief is very scary. It is very real and raw and revealing and painful. I, therefore, dissociate. No more healthy than anyone elses.

Where I struggle is when I witness or hear other s grief become belittling or condescending towards others. Be it direct or in meta-messages.

Messages I have heard- in paraphrase...

1. As a _____________ (mother, teacher, school employee, father...) I am deeply affected, and have a different understanding.

2. See, this is why we need stricter gun- control. This is what I have been saying...

3. This is what happens when we disallow prayer from schools...

I guess as I write them, some don't sound so bad. But here are the meta-messages that I hear (through my own flawed filter)

1. MY grief is worse than yours. its harder for me cause I have kids or work in a school.

2. I WAS RIGHT!!! SEE!!! So this is clearly everyone elses fault, esp the NRA

3. Atheists  are at fault. Or luke warm Christians at least. God will leave if we push him away. God let this happen, but only cause we made him.

Each of these seem ludacris to me. And here is why:

1. As humans, aren't we all grieving? Unless a sociopath, we have all been affected by this in some way. My sisters don't have kids, but you don't think they didn't imagine it was their nephew? That they haven't conceived of or experience loss or pain or fear before? The context is different, but empathy can bridge a gap.  And there are people who work in dangerous situations daily.

2. I understand wanting to initiate political change as an outcry to a tragedy. I mean look at the entire civil rights movement. Good political changes came out of people saying "enough is enough" and taking positive actions. But I am sorry, NO ONE WILL HEAR YOU OR CHANGE THEIR MINDS IF YOU SAY "na, na na boo boo" or "SEE I WAS RIGHT AND YOU WERE WRONG". Those messages usually make me want to dig in my heels all the more. Even if I am wrong.

3. And come on. There are so many places I can go with this one. But this is not the fault of someones religious belief or affiliation. I hate it when people act like God is a puppet and we get to direct him. Yes, I am a Christian. But I believe that this messed up person made a choice. God did not direct anyone. But God is with us in the midst of tragedy, even when it doesn't make sense. He was with the brave teachers, the first responders, those who have outpoured in love and caring. Whatever your view of "God" is. The God I recognize is the God of love. Not vindiction.

Putting others, their beliefs or their experiences down to validate our own in not healthy.

We are all trying desperately to make sense of this.

As we do so , may we HELP each other. Support and encourage and validate each others experiences. Grab a cup of coffee and talk about what we are thinking and fearing and dialogue. Facebook and blogs (I recognize the irony) and Twitter and the news disconnect us from each other in ways where we think it is connecting us. We were made to be in relationships. Give someone a hug. Send a letter of support to Connecticut. Say a prayer. And together move out of this darkness.

We ALL ache. We ALL grief. We ALL hope.

Wishing you all peace.

I've got the fever

ok, scratch anything I ever said about nursing or waiting or anything else ever  being boring.

Because there is nothing more boring that being sick. Nothing.

The last few days I have been struggling through some flu-like thing that has progressed into something right now that mirrors a bad head cold. And you may think "so what, everyone gets sick". But you don't understand, I don't (well I guess I can't say that anymore). And not to this extreme.

No seriously, confession; if I have ever called in sick to work before this week, most likely it has been some lie to get out of doing something I didn't want to do or to take time off when I knew it was not going to be approved.

And I hate any attention that comes with sickness. It feels like pity, though I know people are caring. I hate pity. Thats my own issue. So why, then am I writing a blog about being sick?

And I am well aware that I am ranting about the stupid flu, when there are people out there dealing with real illnesses like cancer and diabetes and depression and meningitis and on and on. I do have SOME perspective.

But the last few days have consisted of me sitting, attempting to sleep, attempting to breathe, attempting to be in a comfortable position, of wanting to snuggle my little buddy, but not wanting to risk getting him sick.

Anything I might want to do when bored, I can't, because I risk contamination. Can't do dinner. Can't fold laundry, can't bake some goodies, can't run to the store (which is probably how I got sick in the first place because some hard head like me decided they were going to go to the store or chocolate walk anyway even if they were sick or mildly sick). Can't work out for obvious reasons. Even napping is uncomfortable. And television: come on, unless you find the daytime line up of court tv, Maury or worse yet, the View, an acceptable use of time or brain cells, this will not be turned on either.

What I have been able to do is practice the art of patience and meditation and prayer and mindfulness.  Its sad then when I am always "doing doing doing" that I forget how important these are.

Particularly the first night I visualized the fever leaving my body, me pushing it out literally. I also imagined that places that make me the most calm, (for the record they are mostly pastoral scenes and trees). I am a big believer in the mind/body connection. Focusing on being sick with only stress you, and stress doesn't help you heal. I also prayed to God (which I do nightly anyway) for my own health for for my son and my family and in thankfulness and realized, this is something I should/would like to be doing WITH my son. daily. Add it to the nightly routine of reading before bed. I want this to be a part of his life and his character.

And I am also very grateful for my husband who has filled in doing what I am too contaminated to do, cook, laundry, play/snuggle with son, etc  and play nurse to his wife AND for my AWESOME babysitter  friend who took him an extra day this week so I could work on getting better.

I am still not "well" but I am better. I look forward to the day this week when I am not coughing or talking like an old man who has been smoking his entire life. Or my nose isn't running or I'm not sneezing. But I am grateful that I no longer have a fever with chills and bone aches and headaches and nausea.

And I am happy to take something out of this mess. I think there is always something good that can come from pain, sickness, tragedy, etc if you look for it or allow for it.

Trading ashes for beauty.
Trading sorrows for joy.
If we let it be so

the art of MY run

This one was a long rough week.

I knew that this was going to be the case before it started.

But sometimes you just need to buckle up and power through.

I kind of felt that way today when I was preparing for my first run of the week. Because of the long rough week, I haven't really gotten to run, excepting the elliptical last night. I know I need to keep working on my endurance so it was going to be at least 4 miles.

The first thing I kind of have to do is set my mind. I am going to do this. I am going to run this long. I am going to do this task, this project, this problem. No matter how long it takes, its gong to get done. So I might as well make the best of it.

Sometimes what helps me get through is the music I choose I listen to. I require music to run. Say what you will, I will blame my ADD nature. Sometimes the very beat of a song dictates my next step. It forces it to move. It also helps when half of it is music I like or that is positive and meaningful. Inspiring. I need that music in my life. Repeating in my head. Assisting next steps. Music is very meditative for me. A little bit of Mumford and Sons, some Bebo, Lifehouse and don't forget a sprinkling of fun with Taylor, Boyonce, Pink.

Choosing the path is key. I am really digging this one lately with my 4-5 milers. Gives some lovely scenery, its a path I know and am comfortable with. My house down to this path. It keeps me aware of my environment, of how beautiful this world is. I need only to keep my head up and look around me to see the presence of the miraculous.

Who is beside you is also helpful. In spirit and in physcial presence. I know I need to be ready for eventual race for my sister. She runs with me in spirit. And when not running, dang can that girl make me laugh. And it helps to have the support of dh who was at home with baby. Friends who know your goals, your struggles, what path you are on, what made it a rough week. Though the journey and the run is mine.


Oh and I bought new shoes. So so comfy. I got to break them in today. Got them at a local running store who evaluates your step and needs.  Its not a good sign when I am not quite sure when I bought my last pair, but I know I have not done much running in the past year before I started training for the half. Being pregnant and running just did not work for me. I seriously have no idea how that one lady ran the marathon and then gave birth. How many restroom breaks did she take? I couldn't make it a half a mile without needing to go.

And so I finished my longest run in a while. After one of my rougher weeks in a while. And after powering through both, and with all of the above aforementioned  at the end you (I) come out thinking "that wasn't so bad". It certainly could have been worse.

And my reward?

Oh, I like rewards.
And my cute little town who supplies them.

Lovely Weekend in pictures

Nothing special. Just wanted to share some highlights of a nice and relaxing and fun Thanksgiving holiday weekend. I could do this every weekend.

We drove on up to the in-laws homestead in rural Wisconsin.
In tow was my small addition to the giant Thanksgiving feast. My MIL always goes all out in the food department. I rather enjoy it. My contribution was home made rolls and cranberry sauce.
We of course wandered the property, which I think believe to be heavenly, and snapped some pictures and chased some kitties.

Bill found a kitty he was rather concerned about. She was sickly, small and friendly. However somewhat secluded form the other kitties who snuggled together for warmth once the temperature plummeted. My sweet husband whispered to me that we may have to nurture this one back to health as he feared she would not last the winter in this state.

After dinner the family poured over the Black Friday adds in search of who knows what. This year no one really had anything big to be in search for. It was more the fun tradition of going. I have enjoyed doing this with the in-laws. We went and my main items I was searching for included gifts for our sponsored families and a Dutch oven for me (per ATK's recommendations.) Bill, his dad and Ben all hung out back at the homestead. 3 generations of boys. Love.

We drove home the next day after some bird watching, sewing and the guys dismantling a 100 year old piano that had never left the homestead. Apparantly is was unable to hold a tuning and was just rarely used.

My MIL was sweet enough to refresh my memory on the usage of a sewing machine. And with her help I actually followed a set of sewing directions. In an incredibly short amount of time, a several pulled out and restitched sections, we came out with something pretty cute, functional and that I am pretty proud of. I will still mess around with some other materials and ideas (I found the top cuff a little bulky). Here is the finished product. Just need to add someones name to it.

AND an inside with lining that I can show you without an ounce of embarrassment!

Finally we drove home and on the way called my vet for an appointment for the sickly kitty, whom we have named "Blackie". (For the record, Bill named her- I couldn't argue since the whole thing was his idea. He also has a track record of such names-  i.e. he once had a gray stuffed animal he named "gray-ie".  I wish I was making that up).  we had in tow. She was able to get in the next morning. She currently resides in our basement as to not to spread anything to our current kitty. I can't wait to see them finally able to interact.

Saturday we took Blackie to the vet. She got some medicines. We then took Ben out to our little downtown area to do our Small Business Saturday shopping and just walked around. We have such an adorable little town with consignment shops, a music store, coffee shop, chocolate shop, bakery, wine bistro, pet shop, train/hobby shop, theatre, home accents shop, and lots of great restaurants. We added to our Christmas shopping for the weekend, stopped for a cup of coffee and could not leave town without something from here:

(Recently voted the best wedding cake in Chicagoland by The Knot. We enjoy the cupcakes)

And we visited Santa. Ben was unimpressed to say the least. I should have known better from when he freaked out a few weeks ago looking at a guy in line at Woodman's who looked just like Santa.

Came home for a little relaxing and cooking of dinner. Some rad soup.

And a supply of baby food for little buddy

 a beautiful run

And lets not forget that Sunday is Packer game day. Ben is always ready and dressed for game day. Its his birthright.

I'd say that I have it pretty good.

Happy Holidays!

The Black Friday Dilemma

Oh Black Friday. What do I do with you this year? I am torn.

Here we are the Day after we celebrate all the things we are thankful for. We go into "wait-I-need-more-crap" mode.

Last year, while it was fun, left a slight bitter taste in my mouth.

My sister was able to join me in going up to the in-laws, which has been our tradition now for the past 10 years. 10 years ago I also joined in their tradition of rising early and joining the minions of standing in line for some "awesome deal". I always say that I mainly go for the company. The deals don't hurt either.

MY sister and I decided Wal-Mart was are strating place. I wanted a 19" flat screen for my basement gym. She wanted one as well. As well as some other incidentals. So we got there about and hour and a half before our deal came to fruition and waited. And waited. And laughed. And took turns looking around for other things. And finally midnight came and we picked up our prizes. And eventually met up with everyone else at Kohl's and then went home.

Later in the day we drove the hour 20 back to my house. And I realized I needed milk. So I drive to my closest "grocer", the 1.5 mile drive to Wal-mart. And upon entering my local Wal-Mart, what greets me...but a giant pallate of THE SAME D*** TV I JUST STOOD ALMOST 2 HOURS IN LINE FOR. Probably like 200 of them. To say I was mad would be an understatement. I felt like I had been tricked.

A few years earlier my sister in law and I were probably the first 2 people in line at Target. We thought it was pretty funny since we didn't really require anything. When the time came and the doors were opened we ran into the store like idiots screaming in a mocking tone "tv's! vcrs! cameras!" Yes, vcrs. whatever, it was 5 am. I of course left the store with a 40" tv

This year. I don't know. I am torn. I love the company, and yet and jaded by feeling like I being tricked by corporate greed. I can't think of anything I need, yet looking at the ads I can see things I "want". I also have a list of needy kids I would like to get some nice things for...and black Friday deals help me afford more things for them. I'd like to be the guy that buys a kid a bike. A $50 adult sized bike is do-able.

And then I think about all of this crap that is made in China or wherever. SO my need for a deal keeps supporting US manufacturing overseas. So what? right? But those are jobs that used to be here. MY neighbor needs a job and I am buying into the culture that sends his job somewhere else. Who's to say my husbands job won't be the next to move overseas.

And then what about the cute little downtown area of my hometown. I want to see it survive and thrive. I want to support the little guy. Who is my neighbor. Whos taxes go to my town. Who participates in the fun little towny events and festivals like the wine walk and the art crawl and "taste of___"

I kind of am at a point where I would rather spend a little more and have a little less. Would I rather have 3 shirts made in China or one shirt made in the US from my local business. i don't need 60 shirts (don't look in my closet please), Ben doesn't need 1,000 blinking musical toys. Dh (despite his protest) doesn't need 20 more Star Wars figures (sigh_ unless you get them at a local hobby shop I guess)

Do you see the dilemma?

It does not need to be all or nothing. I think every little bit helps. Its just being more aware of our consumerism. Maybe this year I get a few more things from a local business AND I do some black Friday shopping. AND small business Saturday. AND I can get a few more things for the needy kid (whos parent might benefit from more domestic job sources)

Thankfulness

 In light of many people posting their daily Thankful list. I decided to just compile a list here. I like the idea of being grateful daily. It reminds of to stay focused and positive. Even on the little things. I hope we can remember to do this all year long. Not just in November.

I really am thankful for so many things. I have been blessed beyond measure. My complete list would take volumes and frankly, you don't want to read it, and I don't want to write it. So how about a significantly condensed version where I will feel guilty about all other the wonderful things I ended up leaving out. ha.

In no particular order:

1. My family. And by my family I mean, my brilliant hubby, my precious precious son, my sisters, my in-laws, my gramma and some pretty cool cousins. So much love and beauty. The smell of baby, watching him sleep, shared dreams, inside jokes, laughter, shared history, trash-talk,  Much much more than I could have ever expected or hoped for.

2. My son. I sometimes cannot believe that I have been entrusted with another human being. And this boy, only 9 months old, is so sweet and beautiful and good-natured and fun to watch. His laugh alone is one of my favorite things in the universe. A close second is watching his sleep.

3. I get to have the best of both worlds as a mom and a working professional. Working part time I get to do both. I get to work just enough to satisfy my ego and stay home plenty to not have to miss a thing with my baby. And my work is fulfilling. It also helps to have great childcare when I do work, with someone I can call  "friend". I am very Thankful for that.

4. At the end of this year I can say that I have known my husband for 10 years. 10 years???? Seriously, where does time go? Each year gets progressively better. Richer.

5. Health. I went to my OB and he is always impressed by my blood pressure. I take pride in that. lol. And I can honestly say that I feel great. Probably better than I have at almost any point in my life. Physically, mentally, emotionally. more at peace. Stronger. And in awe of what the human female  body is capable of, and capable of coming back from. Seriously, having a baby is no joke people. And I just had 1. Bless you mamas of several and all you have endured physically.

6. I Have been blessed to watch some friends and loved ones work on some of their own personal development and in turn it has helped me. Proof that all changes you make do not affect only yourself, but those around you, in ways you may never know or realize.

7. That I have means. That I am able to do the things that I want to do without too much worry. That I can buy local meat.That I can afford to be picky.  That I can pay the mortgage, buy Christmas presents, food, clothes, etc, and not have to worry if we have enough to cover utilities and other expenses. its such a relief that I am always aware of and always aware that could not always be the case.

8. Kitty. I know. It might sound lame, but I cannot begin to tell you how good she is for my soul. She brings me such peace and calm. Petting her, hearing her purr, seeing her sit right in front of the door when I get home, it all brings me joy. Pets are able to do that. Just wait till we one day get our hobby farm...

9. Food. I know I write about food a lot. But I love food. I love the taste, texture, smell, comfort, all of food. And yes, I recognize that I have a "relationship" with food. I am okay with it and have been learning to make it a much healthier more connected relationship and it helps me enjoy and appreciate it more. Knowing where my food comes from, taking pride in what I can create, and especially being able to enjoy the fruits of it. Home made anything always trumps store bought/processed/prepackaged anything.

10. The internet. I love that I have this medium to talk to and connect with so many people from so many different times and groups of my life. I probably never would have met my aunt/cousin/sister without it. It is a constant source of information. A place to share thoughts. And, like anythimg else, it can be used for bad. It can be addicting in many ways. But if I can learn to keep it limited, it is a very good thing.

And I am keeping it to 10.
Though there is much much more.

What are you Thankful for?