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Sunday, April 15, 2012

On going back to work

Well, its t-minus one week from tomorrow until I go back to work.
Yes, I am aware that I could take up to several months for maternity leave if I wanted.

Now I am afforded the luxury of only going back to work part time. I realize that not everyone can do that. And I am beginning to see the draw of being a 100% stay at home mom. But for me, working 2 days a week does something for me. I want to preface again, that this is what it is "for me"...with all my issues and history, etc. I want to go back to work a little because it gives me some sense of purpose outside of home,allows me to utilize my skills and degree ( to keep my resume up to date), and consols the early messages I was raised with of the importance of "work" and never having to depend on anyone/always having a way to be independent.

I want to be very careful and say that being a parent is a full time job. It is work. and I am in no way putting off or down any stay at home parent. I think there there is no greater or important job than raising your children. I actually wish I was brave enough to stay at home full time. I am speaking from my own demons and issues and point of view.

Going back to work also gives me a small break. It also gives us the additional income that we could use.

I am trying not to think too hard about going back to work. Just do it. Because honestly I am afraid that the idea of leaving my son  will overwhelm me. Now I know that I have good childcare in place. But that guilt (that also has been ingrained in me) and that I think naturally comes with being a mom may kick in. I'd like to deal with it when it comes, not the entire week leading up to it too. Remember months ago when I dropped my kitten off at kitten day care while I went to Florida? Yeah, and I cried like a guilt-ridden hormonal pregnant woman (which I was) as I drove away? Now multiply that times my own offspring. I am slightly concerned. (so is my Monday boss!). A- if you're reading this...I may not be in best form next Monday.

Since the kitty incident I have figured out a little of my issue there. Haven't worked on it though. Mix normal guilt and add the guilt history of leaving your very sick mom (who you are in charge of taking care of) in the hands of a skilled nursing facility because you are no longer able to do it yourself. And then she eventually passes away. (I know so much in my head how this would eventually happen, I did the best I could, yadda yadda yadda...but the guilt still remains...).

I am lucky that my other work times are either evening or somewhat flexible during the week or can be done on the weekend. So at least he will be with dad. And his dad is so great with him. But even that... I am constantly thinking about being gone too long, or did I leave enough milk or whatever other concerns. I'm thinking this is completely normal. Right? Other moms?

So apparently the overall theme of this is guilt. Something to work on anyway so be a better mom. Tee last thing I want to do is to put that message/burden on my son. I want to be the best parent that I can. And I believe for me, working  a little will assist me in doing so. It is good for me. And though difficult at first, I think it will overall make me happy and feel more fulfilled and refreshed and empowered. Happy mom, happy baby. That is the final reason/say so in my decision to go back.

2 comments:

  1. I definitely feel you. I was planning on going back (part time too) after 8 weeks and had a melt down... so 12 weeks it is. It's definitely a guilt thing. I am looking forward to having something to do outside the house (and we can't afford for me to quit) but still... it's complicated, isn't it?

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  2. We're one of the first (or second? whatever. it's new) generations of women who have been taught that we can do anything. But they forgot to tell us we can't do everything. The work/home balance is so difficult no matter which side of the fence you happen to be sitting (I've camped in both places at different points). We want to contribute outside our home. We want to be masters of the domestic domain. It's a tough choice and there's no perfect (though, I'd have to say the closest I've come is part-time work, but even then there's still a loss of balance). Good luck on Monday!

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