Saturday, December 31, 2011

out with the old, in with the new

yes, this is your classic reflective New Years post

Resolutions will be in another post altogether, when I decide what they are. :)

I don't want this to be like my Christmas newsletter, just highlighting the cheery braggy stuff that probably makes everyone want to barf. Maybe a little of that, but with some sincere honesty thrown in.
2011 has been interesting to say the least. Some of the things I am most proud of and excited about are of course some personal growth matters.

Firstly, you probably know by now that I'm pregnant. Yay. And due soon. Feb 11th to be exact. But to be honest, about this time last year I was getting very and wholly frustrated at not being pregnant. We had been unofficially trying, gradually transitioning into "officially trying" over the course of a year and a half to 2 years. We assumed it would just happen (with the right course of action) because we are both healthy, we are intelligent adults, and come on, look at me, I am curvy... probably made for child-birth. What was the hold up?   For some people (especially that I now work with), this has never been an issue...having 5 babies by 5 different "significant others". really? they can have kids and I can't? It was infuriating. And I was FINALLY getting to a point where I could verbally tell people that I wanted to be pregnant and was mad that I wasn't. This is a huge deal for me, since I tend to be reserved about my "wants" cause its just easier to keep my defeats to myself.

Body image has been an issue for most of my life. Its been my biggest fear when it came to possible having kids. In my head,  I'd get "fat", would never be able to lose the weight, my husband would not love me as much anymore and my life would fall apart. Pretty healthy thinking, eh. However I am really surprised at how comfortable I have become with myself, how and who I am, including looks and am really embracing my growing body, slowly, but surely.  Its not about me, but about something much greater than myself. Its normal, its natural and its really a miracle. And Bill's support has been really helpful in this regard.

So then it happens. And the timing for me is interesting. I find out the Wed. before Father's Day, which for me personally, is my least favorite day of the year. Firstly, I never had the ideal "dad" situation and secondly its the day my mom died 2 years ago. So when I found out, I decided I would do my best to not make that day suck anymore (rather than wallow in my own self-pity). So Sunday morning I made Bill an awesome breakfast of pancakes and eggs and gave him a Father's Day card...thus breaking the news to him. He was excited and surprised. I can't begin to tell you how awesome of a dad he is going to be.

And there has been changes unrelated to babies...

I also grew in some of my ability to let go of grudges. And let me tell you, this is miraculous in itself as I am a master grudge-holder. During a visit early in the year to some rather estranged family members, I decided I despised this one person much less. It felt pretty freeing and have found myself able to transfer this to some other relationships. Its not so much about letting people who hurt me off the hook, but just getting the weight of that off of my shoulders. Realizing people have their own hurt, crap and baggage that they put on others. Its their issue, not mine, and are hurt and broken too, not just mean. No more letting people rent space for free in my head.

And one last one that comes to mind. I cannot tell you how happy I am to have left my social services management job. While it was a great learning experience for me, it was just not my cup of tea. Being micromanaged, being forced to micromanage others, sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day, learning and relearning daily changes to state protocols, field everyones complaints and never knowing when my bosses were going to freak out about stupid little crap and just not doing what I went to school for. i think it was slowly killing me. I was miserable. Then i was able to use the "pregnancy" excuse to leave. Well, lets be honest, I knew what I was doing...when I told my boss I was pregnant, I stated that I wanted to work part time when the baby came. They pretty much said that was not an option. So...I took that cue. And coincidentally at the same time, some part time direct counseling opportunities came together and I am sooooo happy I have taken those (also both knew about the pregnancy and also knew about my counseling skills and were happy to have me). I love my work and the variety and the almost stress-free environments with flexibility. It so suits my persona and can continue to work a little bit part time after baby. Serving 2 important and fulfilling roles to me.

And for me, these are some pretty awesome personal feats/accomplishments that I'm pretty proud of.

I'm hoping you have some as well and can look upon each year with pride in your own personal growth.

Bring on 2012.

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