How being a parent and therapist are kind of the same thing

I am being slight cheeky , slightly serious here. It's possible that my current 2 professions are nearly identical. And when I say "you" I mean "Me".  Here is how: 

1. You spend the majority of your time cleaning up someone else's messes

2. You do a lot more listening than talking. And when you are talking, not sure if it's being heard or comprehended. 

3. Without some healthy "me time" you will loose your marbles. 

4. You Spend a lot of time talking to your child/therapist humans in a language that would receive a lot of strange looks if used elsewhere

5. You don't even flinch at others peoples crap. Literally and figuratively. 

6. The smallest step or measure of growth creates reason for great celebration. 

7. You  Always seem to be running behind. Despite your best efforts. 

8. You hear the same story 10,000 times 

9. You wipe up an awful lot of tears

10. Puzzles are put together and solved daily. Lots and lots of puzzles. 

11. You are responsible for another human being 

I'm sure there are more. But I am pregnant.  And tired. And a therapist. And a mom. 

Anything else you would like to add to this list? I guarantee it will amuse me. 

Round 2

Next week I hit the halfway point of pregnancy #2.
My doctor confirmed on Monday that all is going well and everything is right on point. I like to hear that. Have I mentioned that I have an awesome OB/GYN? (I'm happy to refer you to him)

Recently I have found myself contemplating the differences between pregnancy #1, with Ben, and now pregnancy #2, with my little "plum".

Really, when it comes to basic physical pregnancy stuff, much is the same. Each time I have had zero morning sickness (please don't hate me). I just get a little tired by the afternoon. My only real food aversion is eggs, especially with runny yolks...ughh. A little heartburn after fried foods, so I just avoid them Mine and baby's heart rates have been similar each time. I have had some really whacked out dreams each time. I mean freaky. And its the kind that you remember. We are again choosing to wait till the birth to find out baby's gender and are waiting to share the names as well(much to everyone's chagrin). Of course all of the similarities lead me to believe that I am having another boy. Which is fine by me, because I adore my little munchkin. But then again, last time I was dead certain it was a girl! WRONG!!!

But the real differences between the two for me, are truly mental and emotional.

If you were around me with pregnancy #1, I was so awkward about the whole thing. I mean, I was so excited to be pregnant, but I kept it quite internal. We had been trying for a long time. The attention that it brought made me so uncomfortable. Even saying the word "pregnant" felt weird.

I didn't take any of those baby bump pictures every 2 weeks like everyone shows off on Facebook. I didn't have any trouble waiting to tell most people (except my sisters). I didn't really want to talk about it with anyone. When I was showing, it was like torture when strangers would ask questions or, God forbid, touch my belly. I refused to buy maternity clothing. I did buy those things that extend your pants out at the button/zipper. And some of my style was maternity friendly already. I put off registering for baby stuff and setting up a nursery till the last possible moment. (no seriously. I didn't even have a crib and room for him until after he was born) I was like, the opposite of every first time mom ever.

In retrospect, I understand myself from then enough to know why. I was terrified. Of so many things.
1. you know I'm superstitious. I didn't want to jinx anything. This thing that I had wanted for years. Like if I acknowledged what was happening, the other shoe would drop. Or something would go wrong. And that would have been devastating.
2. I was so not comfortable in my own physical skin to begin with. Now that skin was going to change. And stretch. And be changed forever. Were those changes going to make me unlovable? Would it change my relationship or how my spouse looked at me?
3. I was going to be a parent. The sole mother of this tiny delicate important human. It was overwhelming, the responsibility. I did not take this lightly. At all. Was I strong enough? I do come from a long line of leavers.

And there is so much deeper we could dive into the psyche of it. but I've already bored you with enough details of my own personal crazy.

I am happy to say that in the 2 years since I gave birth to my beautiful boy, I have changed and grown tremendously.

The things that seemed important once, are no longer so dire. The fears are still present. But so is the present moment. And the realization that those fears are really crap.

            I mean stretch marks don't make me unlovable. They make me powerful.

            I've lost some personal freedom only to gain purpose, focus and value of time.

            Its in the ordinary every day monotonous tasks, that glory shines.

            Only jerks give a crap if my house is perfectly in order.

            And perfection means nothing. Presence means everything.

And in being less afraid of everything. I am enjoying my pregnancy this time.
Yes, I am taking those corny baby bump pictures every 2 weeks. (i'm just not posting them on Facebook). They are for my enjoyment only. And I do still kind of think they are corny, oh well.
I am embracing the changes in my body, and how they are happening earlier, and making the necessary accommodations. I am staying very active, but also taking regular naps (which I have never done in my life mind you). Yes, I have bought maternity clothing already. Thanks to the local Children's resale store and Kohl's clearance rack. What the hell, I might as well be comfortable.

I couldn't wait to tell people this time around. I mean, I still waited past the first trimester to tell most people, but I wanted to scream it from the rafters immediately. That might also be due to the fact that it was during the abominably cold winter months that I found out, and was bored as a gourd.

And much of this is likely due to what Ben has taught me. And motherhood in general. I know that I only have one baby (on the outside!) and , yes motherhood is hard. But it is also awesome. He doesn't care what I look like (unless I pull my hair into a ponytail. which he hates. whats up with that?). But he cares what I do. How I look at him. That I am THERE! And how am to him and with him. And I want to be my best self for him. I am amazed that I have been able to get into the best shape of my life since having him, because I want to keep up with him. And set a good example. I've followed my professional goals to work for myself and provide a schedule of my own choosing, so that I can choose to be with my son most days of the week. I work only 2 days a week. Doing what I enjoy. I'm not sure I would have been brave enough to pursue such things before baby #1. So disabled by fear.

There have been so many changes in 2 and a half years. Growth. Stretching. Improving. Its painful and uncomfortable at times. So uncomfortable. But what is change without that.

I wish you could see the stretch marks on my mind, my heart and soul. They are glorious.

Winter and car seats

We sit here at the end of February, thigh high in snow and negative temperatures and indoor play days. I'm not one to complain about the weather. I live in theMidwest  after all. Anything can happen. 

But I've gotten to a point with a few things were we have just given up and are waiting for spring. 

One was shoveling this weekend. Granted we were all sick. The snow melted. Then froze. Then snowed again. Creating this hump if ice at the end of my driveway that could puncture tires. And we just don't care. And our sidewalk? Well. Abandon all hope ye who enter here. At least I can say we are not the only ones. How many times can a person shovel in a week? 

(It's quite a bit better than before)

The area in which I have completely lost it is with dressing my son for the winter. No, I am not taking him outside in shorts and a t shirt. Hold off your calls to DCFS to let me explain. 

I only have one child. God bless those with more than one little one and how they survive this winter coat monstrosity. 

I have friends with 3 children under 4. I cannot imagine. 

(We are just in the train here. But tucked under his arm is our extra blanket I shall refer to later. )

So getting a 2 year old into a winter get up is hard enough, right? (Not to mention snow pants. Boots. Hats. Gloves. Scarves) But in case you don't know, you are not supposed to have your child in a car seat with a winter coat on. It's a safety hazard. Car seats were not designed for that. 

So every time I get my child into the car or out of it. We are wrangling giant coats on and off. We are lucky to have a garage so I don't usually have to worry about getting him in to the car at home with a coat ( but what about those without garages ? Or packed too full so you park in the driveway like half if my neighborhood?)

So days like today. It's 15 degrees out. I take Ben to gymnastics. Then we stop for lunch before going home. Other days insert grocery shopping or Moms group or whatever. Constant coat wrangling in the back of a. 4 door sedan ( no we have not succumbed to soccer mom suburbia with a van or SUV. Yet. ) 

And so I have given up. Ben wears his hats. His gloves. His favorite stripey fleece hoodie. But then I resort to one of 2 methods to get him warmly out if the car. And am ok with the pitied stares I get. 

1. I wrap him up in a blanket. It can just be draped over him as I get him out of the seat. 

2. I put his winter coat on backwards. Yep. Rather than pick up spin around pull coat on while door is open. We walk right into Walmart with his hood in front. 

What are you going to do about it?

I actually think children's winter coats should be designed this way for this very reason. 

Maybe I am feeling a little guilty aftergymnastics  where I saw every other parent with their child fully and properly dressed. Forwards. 

And it will be this way until Mother Nature forgives the grudge she has against us all and allows the snow to melt and for me to be able to run in shorts. 

And moms everywhere are freed from the burden of winter coats. 

Losing Tom

Tom

My first memory of him included my first few weeks as my new job as a youth minister. During the hiring process, someone on that panel's eyes went up when I mentioned I was also a musician and loved worship music. He invited me to consider checking out "testament" , the praise band. 

I was so nervous to check it out. But when I finally did, the welcoming smiles of Tom, Denise, Lana, Barb, Dave, Paul and crew were enough to put me at ease. They were kind, funny, adaptable and made me feel like I had always been a part of the team. 

Tom especially. While Tom could play guitar, he mainly played keyboard for the group. He played much like I do, by ear and chords. But 100x better. 

Both of us tragically Cubs fans, he would call me. "Ray " for Ray Burris. And old baseball player. And I would call him "Bob" for Bob Brenley, who was at the time the Cubs tv announcer who, in my opinion, Tom was a dead ringer for. 

His 2 younger daughters were also in many of the youth activities. And Tom would chaperone many of them. I learned a bit about his recent family history and it was heartbreaking. But you would never know, he was always joyful and full of life. 

He and Kate threw the best parties. And anyone and everyone was invited. They made you feel like you were the cool kids. (I even stole their decorating idea from their 'pub' and have old old family photos all over my dining room. )

He, along with many others from the church were instrumental is helping me with some dental challenges. Initiating it in fact. And the difference that made to my self confidence, I cannot put adequate words to. 

Tom at some point shared his personal music with me. The stuff that he wrote and recorded. Such a gifted musician. And he encouraged me in my own, even helping me record a few songs with his equipment. 

Such a generous, kind gifted soul. I regret not staying in better touch after we moved north. It's something I need to work on in life in general. For his life changed mine in so many big and small ways for the better. And I know I am not the only one who feels this way. 

It's with a heavy heart that the world has had to say goodbye. Heaven has gained an angel. He joins his first wife and daughter. He is at peace at home with Lord. 

He leaves a granddaughter. 4 beautiful daughters. Countless friends. And a community forever changed by his kindness. If only we could all be Toms

My heart and condolences go out to his many loved ones. 

 

A better friend

Somehow over the past couple of years, I have found it pretty easy to become a bit of a recluse. 

I have had strong groups of support and friendship in the past. People I call up for lunch or a movie or just show up at their house. 

Now I pretty much keep to myself. I miss just "popping by" and being less self conscious about asserting myself to what your needs are. You know, being a good friend. Neighbor. Human being. Etc

I have had a lot of goals roaming my brain for this new year. And they have changed based on circumstances and thought redirection and General ADD tendencies. 

One that keeps coming up is being a better neighbor. Including being a better friend. 

What I don't like about it is imposing myself on others. What I do like is that I know that it will do several things:

1. Create stronger friendships

2. Help me feel more connected In general. To people. My community. Spiritually etc

3. Strengthen and help others. 

So I feel I have made some conscious efforts in this area. And know I can do more and better. 

A few basic things I have learned so far:

1. Act on my impulse. If I think: bake  my neighbor some cookies. Just do it. Right then. No scond guessing

2. While I like to say " let me know if you need anything". No one ever tells you what they need. I need to be specific and direct with offers. I.e can I make you dinner this night. Can you come over for coffee this day. Etc. 

3. There are a lot of things I could do if I just open my eyes and look around!!

What suggestions/ideas do you have to be a better neighbor/friend?

Nativity

I just finished packing up my Christmas decorations for this year. I love my Christmas decorations and try to leave them up as long as possible, at least until after the epiphany. I packed up the tree, ornaments, all of the stockings, the wrapping paper and the nativity sets.

We have 2 nativity sets at home.

Our first one came from my mother in law the first year we were married. Ceramic Mary Joseph Jesus Angel animals and wise men sit atop our piano these days 

The other is the Little People set Ben received for Christmas last year from my cousin. It was the first Little People anything he ever received so those guys stayed in circulation all year. Mary sits next to crossing guard guy on the LP school bus. 

Since we brought out the ceramic set this year, it has been Bens favorite  "new toy " he will climb up the piano to retrieve each piece one by one and relocate them  to the living room, the counter, his table or wherever he fancied. Maybe a bucket?

Along the way, in the hands of an almost 2 year old we have had a few mishaps of falling and heads breaking off. Baby Jesus lost a hand. The cattle lost his horns. But that's what super glue is for

As he plays with it, we talk to him about it. We tell him who all of the characters are. The "mom"- Mary, the "dad" Joseph, the "baby"- Jesus.  We told him about the shepherds and wise men, and referred to them as their "friends"- trying to keep it at an almost 2 year old level. How the wise men brought him presents. The animals. And how special they all are.

I especially enjoyed watching Ben connect to the "mom-dad-baby" piece of it. Those 3 traveled together everywhere. Sometimes "dad" gave "mom" a kiss. or the "baby". Sometimes the other guys came along too. But always the "family". And those are 3 of the 10 or so words he can say clearly, (mom, dad, and "bay").

It has just been so sweet to have him start to interact with Christmas in this way this year. Yes, presents have been fun. St. Nicholas day too. But this was so heartwarming. To have him interact with the love that is Christmas. The family. The story. The meaning.

To be fair, I am keeping the Little People set out this year. I just can't bear to let it all go away until next year. Its really an all year thing anyway, really. Isn't it?

swept in the tide

 I have a client these days who I relate to in many ways.  Battling with many of the same demons and  internal messages that I do. I feel I learn a lot about myself through their struggle.

Why is it so hard to overcome old messages of:

- you are not important
- you are an afterthought
-you do not belong here
-you are an inconvenience

especially when the reinforcers of those messages are still in your life.

I have been really struggling lately with a few events that have gone on in my family without me. Not so much because they happened. But I was not even invited.

And lately I watch my husband look at my son. I wish I could describe that look. Like he is the only and most precious thing in the world. To be honest I am jealous of that look. Not that I don't get loved on my my own husband, because on do. But because I have yearned for the look my entire life.

And again. I have so much good. My husband counters those messages. And I do not give him enough credit for it. Why do I allow this old garbage to eat me up? It steals my joy.  I get irritable and a kill joy. Bringing others into my sty to wallow with me.

Its not fair to me. And its not fair to others.

So I do I let go of that old crap that keeps coming up.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately,  I have learned that letting go and forgiveness is not a one time thing. I wish it was. It would be so much easier. But it is a constant ebbing tide. There are days it is washed away. And days it is high tide and I am drowning. And I have to learn to swim in it and escape it, lest it washes me away with the current.

I want the feelings to wash away. Not me.

Its important for me to have some anchors when those tides rush in.

* affirming messages. reminding myself what is good.
* gratitude. reminding myself what I have
* faith. reminding myself *whose* I am
* and reaching out to friends who are disconnected from my history.

Establishing those in the good times.