swept in the tide

 I have a client these days who I relate to in many ways.  Battling with many of the same demons and  internal messages that I do. I feel I learn a lot about myself through their struggle.

Why is it so hard to overcome old messages of:

- you are not important
- you are an afterthought
-you do not belong here
-you are an inconvenience

especially when the reinforcers of those messages are still in your life.

I have been really struggling lately with a few events that have gone on in my family without me. Not so much because they happened. But I was not even invited.

And lately I watch my husband look at my son. I wish I could describe that look. Like he is the only and most precious thing in the world. To be honest I am jealous of that look. Not that I don't get loved on my my own husband, because on do. But because I have yearned for the look my entire life.

And again. I have so much good. My husband counters those messages. And I do not give him enough credit for it. Why do I allow this old garbage to eat me up? It steals my joy.  I get irritable and a kill joy. Bringing others into my sty to wallow with me.

Its not fair to me. And its not fair to others.

So I do I let go of that old crap that keeps coming up.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately,  I have learned that letting go and forgiveness is not a one time thing. I wish it was. It would be so much easier. But it is a constant ebbing tide. There are days it is washed away. And days it is high tide and I am drowning. And I have to learn to swim in it and escape it, lest it washes me away with the current.

I want the feelings to wash away. Not me.

Its important for me to have some anchors when those tides rush in.

* affirming messages. reminding myself what is good.
* gratitude. reminding myself what I have
* faith. reminding myself *whose* I am
* and reaching out to friends who are disconnected from my history.

Establishing those in the good times.