music and fear

In another life, I would have been a musician. if I were more secure, more confidant, more willing to take big risks and chances.

Alas I am not.

I do play music. I play guitar. Sing. "songwrite" Once upon a time I played clarinet. I Make a valiant effort to sort of play piano enough to trick the untrained ear. I am the kind of "musician" who drives real muscians crazy. I don't practice much. I don't read music well. I play in chords.  But its enough to get by. And enough to teach beginners.

But I do love music so much.

Every so often I get asked to share my music at various events. My favorites are at fundraisers and public awareness events.

I have the opportunity to play at 2 events in the next few months. The first is in a few weeks. I work for "A Safe Place". a domestic violence organization. THey are having their yearly public awareness event and I have been asked again to provide some music. Its usually a very casual affair and its with people I know and generally like. And it means something. Its not just to show off, but to connect to a message. to inspire hope and courage. SOmething I wish I had more of myself.

Maybe I do these events 50% for myself. I need the positive direction, reminder and message myself.

THe second is for the Illinois COunseling Association yearly conference. One of my former professors I still keep in touch with loves my music for some reason. We worked together on creating music and a creative atmosphere for the National Career Development Associations National convention in 2005; and it was fun. And encouraging. And inspiring. it was an honor to be a part of. As the upcoming conference will be as well.

I used to lead worship at my old church. Man, I loved that. But it was something I was asked and invited to be a part of. But I can't seem to get my current youth group to do it. I jsut haven't even tired really. I'm kind of scared actually to make it a part of the group.

I think I just got it.

Man, I hate imposing myself on people. And music is such a part of self. If someone asks me, invites me. Awesome. I'm all in.

When it comes to initiative. I have zero buy in to myself.  ok, maybe not zero, but its low. If I have to ask/invite/impose my music or services on you, its almost apologetic. and I make sure to give you an out so you don't feel bad saying "no"

I know I do this with relationships too. *sigh* I wish you knew how much it takes for me to invite anyone to do ANYTHING. I never want to force someone to be with me. So i rarely ask. If you invite me, I'm all in. I will try most anything to make it work. its kind of sad. Its part of this social awkwardness. And yet I think I am fun and interesting and have a lot to offer frienships/relationships.

And here it comes out in music. Something that I think I am actually pretty good at. A gift I have been given. But I won't put it out there on my own accord. I squander it. I'm too afraid.

How many of us have this fear that keeps us from being real. From enjoyment. Being proud of ourselves. From laughter and care and wonder and empowerment and being challenged.

Fear is such bondage.