And in my weakness

Today I talk about the one down side of this birth. 

While I was blessed with a beautiful and healthy baby on Tuesday night, 9/9, the enormity of that blessing is not lost on me, I had a rather scary after effect of giving birth to a big baby. 

Here is what happened. 

After less than 3 hours of birthing, I was feeling pretty good. Even the next day, I was walking around the hospital, trying to keep my legs moving and alleviate some boredom. The next day, Thursday, I woke with some soreness in my pelvis and upper legs. Nothing crazy, I just attributed it to the fact that I had just used to muscles so intensely 36 hours ago. And like after a hard workout, they say you feel it most 2 days later. I was discharged Thursday morning with just some muscle soreness. 

However as the day went on, the soreness intensified. And by Friday morning, I could barely get out of a chair, much less walk a few steps to get to the bathroom. Any movement that required my pelvis (which is most movements) was incredibly, immobilizingly painful. I could not understand what was happening. 

So the first thing we did is what every doctor hates: I googled my symptoms. It took us through a variety of terrifying scenarios. We knew we should probably seek some actual medical advice/intervention. It took most of the the day Friday, but I finally called my doctors office. Of course the office was closed. But I could have the doctor paged if I wanted. I didn't. 

My brain does this thing where I am terrified of over reacting. I need to be "strong" and tough things out without complaining. There's a history behind it. It is enormously ridiculous. The very idea of calling and asking for intervention brought me to tears, far more than the pain did.  I have realized in retrospect if I saw this happening to anyone else but me, I would demand that they seek medical help. (And yes, Bill had been encouraging me to do so. Sadly he also knows that pushing  me too hard to do anything exacts the opposite response)

Luckily, The next day my sister, my mother in law and sister in law came over to visit the new baby. And were more than a little disturbed that I couldn't move and that I hadn't actually spoken to any medical professional. My mother in law didn't want to leave until she knew I had spoken to my doctor. Finally I called. And had the doctor paged. And he called me back pretty quickly. 

I told him what was happening. Practically in tears (which he later told me freaked him out more than anything cause he had never seen me complain or cry, not even during child birth ) and went through many questions and symptoms with me to narrow down the issue. It became clear quickly that somehow my pelvis was injured (probably due to the speed of delivery ). Possibly separated. 

He gave me a prescription for pain and we scheduled an x ray for my pelvis. 

And so for a few days, between an engineer and a therapist, we problem solved, cause that's what we do, on how to get me around the house, much less to the x ray and dr appt. Bill has been awesome through this. Taking extra time off and always making sure I am comfortable and have what I need. And very patient through a stressful time. Those around me who knew have been incredibly supportive. And in that I am blessed.  some amazing friends helped out tremendously with meals, giving us a wheelchair to borrow, visiting, and performing other seemingly minor tasks, that were otherwise impossible for us. 

And somehow after talking to my doctor, asking for help became slightly easier. I stopped freaking out about being weak. And got into "how do we get through this" mode. 

It also helped when we got some answers. There was a possible minor separation in the pelvis, it was not obvious on the xray, and usually they are. He said maybe very minor. But that even if it was major, nothing different could be done to heal it. Just time. He then assured me that it should get better sooner rather than later. 

He explained that it was probably baby coming so fast and furiously. There was almost no time for my ligaments to properly expand. A little damage happened, and then like a bruise, it took a day or so for swelling to start. The swelling then hit my nerves. Thus creating the pain. 

And he was right. Every day I have slowly gotten better. It started with just being able to transfer from the wheelchair to the toilet with less or without pain. Then I could take one or two steps without crazy pain. The most exciting thing was managing in the kitchen on my own. 

Now I can walk around without any assistance. I am off of any pain medication. I still have a limp and/or Frankenstein walk, but I can walk. And I am told that I can expect a full recovery. And if not, we will look at some pt. 

Now, I realize things could have been so much worse. I have heard horror stories of horrible injuries to babies during birth. Or blood clots or bleeding out in mommas. Or actual severe pelvic injuries. 

And I am very lucky. But it was very scary. 

And I have learned that in weakness/ brokenness I am strong. Not because I am tough, but because I have to reach out to those around me. Because those are the times when God does his greatest work in humbling me and changing my perspective and growing me. 

And in the end I have a beautiful and healthy baby girl. And I will be back to normal at some point. 

And It will make whatever my fitness goals for next year that much sweeter. 

A Birth story

For 3 weeks my body had been ready to give birth. Being at least 3 cm dilated, 80% effaced and baby super low. For 3 weeks I insisted upon waiting for my body to flip the switch, imagining it would be any day. And it just wasn't coming. 

Finally , 2 days before my due date, my doctor invited me to come to the hospital the next day to have my water broken, knowing I still wanted to wait for nature to take it's course. He left it up to me. 

That next morning, after some quiet thought and prayer, told myself "what the hell. Let's do it" I knew we wouldn't use drugs unless necessary. So we called doctor up and he brought us in to have this baby! And my sweet Ben got to have his first sleepover at the neighbors. 

At 4:15pm, after being checked in and changed into the very attractive hospital robe, they broke my water. Which feels like nothing more than just checking dilation. They also informed me that I was already 5cm dilated at this point. Bill and I laughed and watched the monitors, and the clocks, guessing how long this would take. I optimistically guessed baby #2 would be born around 9pm. Bill guessed around midnight. The doctor came in several times to talk us through what to expect and to check in. 

We had an awesome nurse, Kate who was friendly, kind and explained everything that she was doing and tolerated my never ending list of questions with great patience and joy. Her shift ended at 7pm and verbalized her disappointment that she probably would not see the end of this birth. She loved the surprise of not knowing the gender or the name. 

About a half hour later, I started to note the contractions. And how quickly they were coming closer together. 10 minutes. Than 8. Then 7. Then 5 minutes. Then the intensity grew and I knew that we were getting somewhere. And fast. By 6:15 I had to stand and get out of the bed. They came to get me some sweet adult diapers so water wouldn't get all over the floor, since it had been broken and all 2 hours ago. I just needed to move my body differently in an attempt the relieve the intensity of the contractions. However, this probably had the opposite effect, due to gravity. Bill said it hasn't been more than 10 minutes when I asked for the nurse to come in and check my dilation. She came in, and I was now at 8 cm. she went and informed the doctor. Soon, the contractions were nearly unbearable, and were right on top of each other with virtually no relief, but I knew the end was near. 

Within another 10-15 minutes the nurse checked again, and I was at 10, and barely able to hold the baby in. The nurse then ran for the doctor. 

Luckily all of his stuff was set up, since they know his routine. And it seems as soon as he walked in and put his gloves on, that they were telling me to push. Kate and the doctor gave me directives, and after one big count to 10 push, they told me to stop. Doc asked me to look at him, which I was not happy about cause usually it's for him to check in and see how I am, and all I wanted was this baby to be out. To my surprise, what he wanted to show me was my baby's head. It was already out. The nurses all gasped, exclaiming how big the head was. 

After that we did some small pushes, doc explained that it was to get the shoulders out, which is the hardest part apparantly. After that it was 1, maybe to big count to 10 pushes, and baby was born.  No more than 5 minutes of pushing. And I swear to you, that there is no greater physical sensation of relief, than that last moment of push. When baby is out. 

Right then, I was waiting for someone, esp my husband, to tell me the gender. There was literally a minute of everyone looking at each other, seeing who was going to make the announcement. I think Bill was just bewildered for a moment. And finally, they told me that I had a little girl.  I was surprised, I really expected a boy, but in no way was I disappointed. I had a little girl. 

The official birth time was 7:01pm. Just at the end of Kate's shift. She stayed a little longer to help, which I was grateful for. And before she left, she asked, and was the first one to do so, what her name was. We told her "Jillian" with pride, and she gave me a hug, congratulated us, and went home. 

I got to hold and nurse my baby as soon as she was weighed and checked out. ( like 5 minutes later). It was wonderful. She did, however weigh in at 9 lbs 9 oz. on 9/9. (Glad she didn't wait until 9pm!) 

I could not have asked for labor to go any better or faster. 

However there were some unexpected consequences to that, of which I will write about in another post. But this is one of celebration.

In the next few hours, reasonable calling hours, Bill and I enjoyed the process of calling and telling everyone our news. Most of which were surprised, because they knew we had just gotten there a few hours before. 

We were also glad that we went in when we did. If we had waited another week, for my body to flip the switch, it's possible we would have had a 10 lb + baby. And that might have been far too large for my hips/pelvis. 

When we told Ben on the phone, over at our neighbors house, he apparantly ran over to the other kids, pumped his fists in the air and exclaimed "baby!"  And he has maintained his excitement over her since. He gives her hugs and kisses and pats her head so gently. He is such a sweet brother. 

And here is my baby girl today, a week later. 

Welcome to the world, Jillian Mary Burris. We are very happy to have you. 

Baby Pool

We are that annoying couple.
The one that most of you don't understand.
(in many ways probably)
But we are waiting to find out the gender of our precious baby until he/she is born.

And we are withholding the names as well.

Actually one of you out there knows the girl middle name. And its possible someone remembers the girl name I never changed from 10 + years ago that we have always liked.

But no one knows our boy name.
The fact is, we don't even really know. Its still a point of contention.
I suppose we have to decide soon. We are only 3 weeks from the due date. But todays dr. appt alluded to a potential earlier delivery. But we still don't know.

And so for fun. Lets make a game. A guessing game. We've created a baby pool.
What are we having?
Boy? Girl?
I'm pulling for human.

And what shall we name said child?
hmmm?

Game also includes actual birth date guess ( I may subtract points if you hope for September 11), height and weight (of baby)

I might even have a prize for the winner.
If my post-pardum body allows me to get it to you before his/her first birthday.

And so...guess away... the official site to put your official guess in is below. If you put it on the blog alone I may or may not count it.

CLICK HERE TO MAKE YOUR GUESS ON BABY BURRIS #2!!!


or copy and paste this:

http://bebepool.com/go/?a=jennafish7&view=list

Sugar

Today I bulked up a little. 

Pantry-wise. 

After making Bill's requested birthday breakfast of chocolate waffles, I used the last of our vanilla, sugar and cocoa powder. There are few things I dislike more than running to the store for something basic like that. So I do stock up on those items. 

(In case you can't tell. That is a 10lb bag of sugar. It lasts for months. )

I do a fair amount of cooking and baking. Mainly from scratch. I admit I'm a little snobby in my kitchen these days about ingredients and not using box mixes. And I have had those days where I want to make chocolate chip cookies, only to realize that I'm out of brown sugar. Do I really want to put a bra on and go to the store? 

It was one of those days that I made a discovery this year that has changed my kitchen.  

I have learned how to make my own brown sugar and powdered sugar. 

Not only is it convenient, but it's also disgustingly easy. Like the food industry has been tricking me into believing I am incompetent my entire life. Which they have.  (It also satiates part of my hatred of waste and garbage. Less packaging to throw away!)

So take this food industry...

Here is how you make brown sugar:

1 cup of regular granulated sugar (from my ginormous bag)

1-2tsp of molasses. (Depending on how dark/heavy you like it)

Ok

Put the 2 into your mixer of whatever sort. 

(This is my Kitchen Aid mixer. Got a deal on a refurbished one. Still pricey, but so worth it for my Betty Crockery kitchen needs )

Then you just mix them for like 5-10 minutes. Make sure you do it on a low setting. I tried it on a higher setting and they just never mixed. 

And ta-da!! Brown sugar! And it keeps! I have some in my pantry right now in a sealed Pyrex container that I made 2 weeks ago. 

So the other item is powdered sugar. I realized this after needing to make frosting for something and realizing again that I was out. And after I learned the brown sugar trick, I thought "I wonder if..."

I looked it up and it's even easier than brown sugar. Do you know what powdered sugar is? Just more finely ground sugar ! WTH!!!!

Powdered Sugar:

So I took a cup of sugar and put it in this... 

Yes it's the magic bullet. Don't judge me. Like you've never watched an infomercial and been sucked in?

Anyway. I put the sugar in here. And turned it on. And about 5 minutes later I had powdered sugar. 

I'm sure you can use a regular blender. Or food processor?

The only thing to keep in mind is that if you intend to use this for something like frosting, you need to add about a tablespoon of cornstarch. Before or after.  It just serves as a binding agent. 

This also keeps well in my pantry. Sealed of course. 

And there you have it. You don't have to wander the baking isle in the store anymore. I don't. With each of these 3 items for your sugar supply(which if you bake, you'll more than likely have these anyway)  a little goes a long way. (Granulated sugar, molasses and corn starch) 

It has changed my kitchen. Is super easy. And thought I would share with you. 

My one and only political post.

I think that, if you read through every one of my blog posts, you would be remiss to find much written on politics.
Its not because I don't value them or have political opinions. But for the most part, they are not on my motherhood or professional agenda in regards to writing; and to be honest, I know that I am probably not thick-skinned enough to handle the criticism and varied opinions on hot button issues that are usually embodied in politics.

However today that will change.

Mainly  because there is an issue near and dear to my heart, and to my profession and professional experience that I want to talk about.

And unless you are over the age of 60, or are a caretaker for someone over that age, this is probably not something you have considered.

But let me tell you a fact.
Medicare (the primary insurance provider for seniors) does NOT cover/pay for mental health counseling provided by Licensed Professional Counselors.

Medicare DOES cover counseling services provided by Social Workers and Psychologists. But not Professional Counselors (whose entire extensive masters or doctoral level education is solely focused on mental health counseling services).

However every single  other private insurance carrier offers coverage for mental health services through professional counselors  (BCBS, Aetna, Humana, Tricare, Medicaid, etc)

It is not a secret, I am a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the State of Illinois and Wisconsin. So I have a vested interest in being included in providing professional mental health care services to this population that is growing exponentially. Much faster than any professional program can educate practitioners.

It is also incredibly frustrating that I am limited in what I am able to do. Much of my professional experience has been with this population. From working with elder abuse, to supervising senior services programs in Lake County, to running support groups and providing individual counseling to residents of nursing homes and working with (and being at one point myself) a caregiver. With this experience, I have received referrals to my private practice for seniors on Medicare with a variety of mental health issues including grief, depression, co-dependency, trauma/abuse, adjustment issues, etc. Each of whom I have to make arrangements to either   1. see pro bono (for free),  2. work out a private pay rate- which is incredibly high for someone on a fixed income, or   3. refer elsewhere. And I think each of these people deserve their services and I will do whatever it takes to make sure they receive it, be it from myself or someone else as qualified.

Now you might ask, how I am able to see seniors in nursing homes? Long story short, I do that as a contractor for a group practice. I am "supervised" by a Licensed Psychologist who signs off on everything I do and so he bills Medicare. Its completely legit and an acknowledged practice, like how other practices (like doctors) can still bill for utilizing interns or nurses services or those without their full licensing credentials.

I just cannot not do it on my own. Even though the services are identical. And it limits the number of highly qualified mental health practitioners who can serve this population.

This article gives a little bit more info about it:
article from the Illinois Counseling association about this issue

So why do seniors need Mental health services? Imagine yourself when you are 65+. How many people around you, friends and family have passed away? grief/loneliness. Its harder to get out/leave your house. You've most likely retired from whatever your life's work has been. You are most likely physically able to do less than you were before. Most are on a new very tight fixed income. Health concerns increase including new meds, eyesight, arthritis, breathing, etc. Its a time when you question your purpose and life contribution. And even more so, imagine for yourself having to move into a nursing home (if you haven't visited one recently, I encourage you to do so. Its a sobering experience). Get the picture. Its depressing. Anxiety producing. Lonely. And Seniors have the highest rate of suicide among any age group by far.

So here's the deal.

Legislation has been now introduced to the house of Representatives in Washington to make one simple change. That is to include Marriage and Family therapists and Licensed Professional Counselors to the list of accepted mental health providers for Medicare. Its called HR 3662 The Mental Health Access Improvement Act of 2013.

If you think that this is important, which I do, here is what you can do. Its really quite easy.

Can you please call or e-mail your local Congressional representative to Washington. Just let them know that you are in support of H.R. 3662, The Mental Health Access Improvement Act of 2013 and to ask for their support of it. To allow for greater access to Mental Health Services for seniors, who need it. Your letter/voice mail does not need to be elaborate. Just state your support.

Here is where you can look up your Rep by zip code (use the "find officials" box). Mine is Randy Hultgren (if you live near me). Each rep should have their own website with a "contact" or "email" section/tab.

The other simple thing is to encourage others to do this as well. Pass this on.

Thank you for bearing with me on this.
But it is rather important to me.

Warnings to moms

I was having a conversation with my sister in law the other month about our respective   pregnancies. She is due about a month before I am (I'm excited to have these cousins so close in age).

It's the summer now and our next 1-2 months of growing humans will take place as the temperature continued to rise. 

We shared and compared our stories of all of the people who have felt compelled to warn us about how big and hot and miserable we will be during the long scorching summer months. Because apparently we were probably not aware of this phenomena they call "summer". 

Now I believe that these people were probably trying to be helpful. Or it's make conversation. Or somehow well meaning. 

It got me to thinking about all of the ways that people, especially other parents, feel the need to "warn" and "prepare" you for how horrible pregnancy and motherhood are. Most of these warnings start out with "just wait till...____"

Just wait till the middle of August and you're ginormous and pregnant and miserable

Just wait till your nursing and (fill in the blank for the discomfort of the first 6 weeks of nursing)

Just wait till you are unable to sleep again until they are in college

Just wait till you have to deal with sibling rivalry/temper tantrums/ the terrible twos/ etc. 

Just wait until they start getting sassy and talking back. 

Just wait until the hormones start kicking in. 

Now. I know that being pregnant and motherhood is challenging. But it's not impossible. People have been doing it since time began. I've seen seemingly less than capable people turn their offspring into perfectly well adjusted human adults. 

And I do wish there were some areas of more open discussion about the actual surprising parts (like needing freaking depends for 6 weeks post birth. Post-partum depression. Or the astronomical cost of buying bras for your ever changing size) But seriously, summer being hot is not a shock. I've lived in the Midwest my entire life. I understand the weather patterns. 

I guess I am somewhat confounded by the need for all of the warnings. But what about the excitement of new life and new beginnings? What about warning parents of all the abundant joy you might experience.  What about sharing or warning about how adorable your child might be. Or about how emotional you might get when your child starts saying "no thank you" instead of screaming "no!"  Or warning that your child might actually sleep or nap and you could actually have some "me time". Warning about how much fun it is to see your child's eyes light up when they meet Batman or dad comes home or greets some other superhero in their world. Or how you think you might die of loneliness after leaving your child for a short girls weekend. 

Where are those warnings? 

We live in a world it seems so warped by negativity. And yes, I value honesty and there are negative things to parenthood and the world around us. But why do we give that so much credit and power? I don't want to focus on that. I want to be mindful of the good. Both the yin and the yang. Take it all in. Relish the moments. Not fear them. 

I was given a huge gift about a week before my wedding. Someone told me to take a moment to myself, silently, before I walked down the isle. Take in everything and everyone I saw. Take a deep breath. And I did. And in that moment there was no worry. Only peace. And I fondly remember that moment 9 years later. More vividly than many other moments of that day. (Where there were some messy moments too). And in the meantime, marriage has been messy. But I am learning how to try to hold those precious moments, like I was advised to so wisely.

Can I please do that with my children. My pregnancies. Relish them. Even in the chaos? 

A simple gesture

Throughout the years I have been blessed to know so many generous souls.

Generosity, in my eyes has nothing to do with money or possessions or how much you have to give. But in how willing you are to share what you do have and in making people feel valued. 

There are people who have been immensely generous to me in opening their homes and giving me old cars and helping a silly young girl stay on her feet. For those times and people, my life has been forever altered for the better. 

But it's also in those small gestures where I felt supremely cared for. For some reason lately I've been pondering those and remembering with gratitude those who took an extra minute or thought or $1 to tell me that they were thinking about me to brighten my day. Some were as long as 15 years ago. But I remember the feeling like it was yesterday. 

I just want to share a few. Perhaps you were on the giving end of one of those. And if you were, know that I still remember. And with great fondness. 

A few took place in the year I was working at Wheaton College. 

-a friend/ student stopped by my office to give me a small bouquet of flowers. Just because. No reason. They were just thinking of me. 

-another friend/student remembered my description of a song I heard on the radio and fell in love with. Though I could not remember it's name. A week later she handed me a recording of that song. 

when I was making a significant life move, taking a new job and moving to a new area and leaving some special people. 2 things I still have in my possession were given to me:

 - a scrapbook of memories from the previous few years 

- 2 framed pictures of my favorite place 

After I had had my son, and a few months later returned to work (which if you don't know... Is the single hardest thing in the world. And I was only working 2 days a week!) my coworker left me this on my desk:

- a "back to work survival kit ". Including 2 packs of tissue (that said worlds greatest mom), 2 packs of Reese's Peanut butter cups and done calming tea 

When I left the southern suburbs and my job of 5 years with students, they left me with 2 beautiful gifts:

- my guitar students learned and performed a sweet good bye song for me 

- a collection of letters of people telling me how much they loved me

I realize now that many of these things are physical "gifts". Which if you have ever read "the 5 love languages " it's probably pretty telling about me. 

What does that mean? That someone took time out of their day to consider me and put energy into making me smile. I think it's easier probably to do when someone is right in front of you. Telling a joke or story and making people laugh. But I guess it tells me that out of sight does not mean out of mind. And that feels good. 

So I guess in all of this , it inspired me to want to do the same for others. How can I go out of my way a little bit to let those around me know that I am thinking about them and care about them? That they are important. 

Gestures and gifts are one way

Just telling them is another

Performing some service or

Making time to be with them. 

Affection is another. 

Sometimes fear of imposing myself on others holds me back from doing this.

But it also then holds me back from loving. From creating connections.

It is my impetus to be more brave in this.