A year of great joy

One year ago my life changed forever. Irreversibly. Beautifully. Chaotically. And meaningfully.

My little Benjamin Jordan turns the big 1 on Wednesday.

And we love birthdays in my house (ok, I force everyone to love birthdays in my house). So this will be a busy blog post week for me. Hold on tight.

This will be one of many "birthday" related posts and my sweet sweet son.

In this one, I wanted to share in a bit of a montage the progression and highlights of the first year that "my heart began walking outside of my chest" (*sigh* its so true...)

February 13th at 12:42 am, after an induction and about 15 hours of labor and 20 minutes of pushing, we were blessed to finally meet this sweet face. I literally could not get over how flawless he was.

The first month was a glorious blurr. I do remember a lot of cuddling, staring in wonder and disbelief, picture taking and sleeping on the new recliner I insisted we did not need.

The second month I started feeling slightly less incompetant. Slightly. Ben had his first holiday of Easter where he slept through the entire service and enjoyed hanging out with all of his cousins. He started some "ooh"s and "ahh"s  and that first glorious smile.

Somewhere between the 2nd and third month we decided to give cloth diapers a try. I tend to be somewhat hippi-ish and waste and earth conscious, but it seemed too difficult from the outside. After deciding it wouldn't hurt to try, I did. And we haven't turned back since. I'm an AIO kind of girl. Elemenals or Chelory if you understand.

In May, on Mothers day, he was baptised. A beautiful day with lots of family. My momma was there in spirit. The priest pretty much drenched Ben in the waters, which Ben didn't appreciate so much.

 

By month 5 it was finally getting warm enough to take himoutside for long periods of time. He loves the outdoors. True story, any time he fusses, a no-fail way to get him to calm down is to simply step outside, onto the front step or onto the deck or for walks. So needless to say he enjoyed some fun time helping us garden and pull weeds and generally looking cute. To be fair we were going on many a walk with our friend April back in March when it was in the 80s.

 

 If you remember it got hotter than Hades in July, his 6th month, so we spent a lot of time indoors. Sans many clothes, just a diaper. Now of course in winter I dress him up every day. He started rolling a ton and was quickly thereafter able to start sitting up on his own. . I did get really good at taking him with me everywhere. Grocery store, Menards, girls trips. I belive this was the month of the Galena girls trip and seeing Ms. Jennie in Iowa, no? He was soooo good. But that is normal.

 

 

August is Bill's birthday, so did our first real family trip, (not counting holidays and family visits) only up to Door County, but a trip/vacation none the less. All 3 of us. All official. We did a fish boil, hiked the Penisula State Park, did wineries, played in the lake. Shopped. And ate. A lot. We also had a fun visit with baby cousin Lia. Looks like she loves to laugh as well!

 

 

This is also when we started solids. I believe his first food was heavily milked rice cereal. Then switched to oatmeal. Had that for several weeks and added things like sweet potato. Avocado. He has since expanded his repituare of foods and rarely says no to anything.

Oh that 8th month was starting to get fun. No really. Ben's first tooth emerged. And we have been soo incredibly blessed that teething has been no big deal. A little fussy, eh. maybe woke up a tiny but more. but thats it. The biting that came later when he had some uppers and lowers in was a different story. He also started doing super cute things on command like clapping. He gets so proud of himself with stuff like this.

 

 

Month 9 was some fall fun. We went to a pumkin patch and this little fall celebration at our hospital where is insane cuteness as Master Yoda got him into the local paper. He also enjoyed helping me pass out Trick or Treats and now looks for Kitty when we say her name.

 

 

 

 

Month 10 had some major milestones like his first crawling! Army crawl, and will do it this way for months! He started turning pages in book when read together (one of my favorite things!) He is so stinking interactive and becoming more and more fun. This is also when we celebrating Thanksiving at Gramma Burris' and visited Santa for the first time. Which, he was not a big fan.

And then came the month of Christmas. It was so much fun watching him open up his first presents under a tree with his Christmas pjs and a Santa hat. Then spending time with family. I took probably about 1,000 pictures of him that day. And don't forget the craziness of the sister Christmas with Ben's first ever brewery tour. My favortie thing he started doing this month is chasing kitty when he crawls and shouting "hi-ya!" as he crawls. Also throwing his own ball and chasing after it and repeating that process over and over.

 

Month 12

And here we are. The 12th and final month. Its weird to think that this time last year I was anxiously anticipating his arrival. He has gone from crawling army style to crawling on all fours. He pulls himself up to standing and goes all the way up the stairs. He waves hello to everyone. He pulls out all of his little toy boxes and raids the cabinets. I love letting him explore and get into things. I really love his adventurous spirit and do not wanter to damper it, only if it gets unsafe. And he has learned how to "pet kitty nice!" It melts my heart.

 

And in a flash my little guy is a toddler. I want to soak in every single second. I can't even get mad when he occaionally wakes up at 2 am. I just feed him and stare at him and rub my fingers hrough his little tufets of blonde hair, becasue well, before I know it, he will be going to Kindergarten, college, getting married, etc. And right now, is what I have.

What a wonderful exciting year it has been.

With my "Little Buddy"

Goal 5: thinking

And so this is the second half is continued improvement and mindfulness in my thought process/emotional health.
Sometimes my inner dialogue is wretched. Wretched. Horrible things. About myself. About others. About "how unfair the world is."
I would like to change, if not quiet such rhetoric.

To me, this is most meaningful is two things

1. confidence
2. Being at Peace

1. I can be and present very confidant at times. However I second guess myself constantly, especially professionally. And now as I am trying to branch out and meet new people. As a CBT therapist I believe that we act upon what we believe, including about ourselves. I need to slow down my thought process and I need to buy into my own  competence and "likability". What messages am I telling myself? And what messages/example am I setting for the next generation?

2. 'The more I come to peace with myself, the less I engage in war with others". I feel like I have come so far in this area. I come from a history of drama and baggage. And as I continue to let that go I have a better quality of life. I am less defensive. I hear people better. I engage in conflict less. I cannot change others or history, but I can change my self and my perception of such things. It is a constant struggle and project.

 There are specific projects I am mindfully working on in this. Which I plan to expand on at later times.

Puzzles

Bill and I used to put together puzzles during the winter months. When it was too cold to go outside and we were feeling unmotivated and bored we would often get one out, spread it all out on our dining room table, sip on a cup of hot cocoa, and get to work. Choosing landscapes of somesort, the coutryside, a lighthouse on the shore. We would start of course on the corners, to the edges, putting that frame together was a huge accomplishemet. Paramount to completing the rest. Its one thing that we actually work together well on.

those 500-1000 piece puzzes never got put together in one night. never.

We would go through spurts and it would take days, weeks. looking at the puzzle a little before work, get one piece in. a little before dinner, a few more. then after, maybe several if we were feeling ambitious. TIme flies when working on it too. it feels like 5 minutes, when it as 2 hours. Only your back starts screaming after leaning over for copious amounts of time.

We haven't done this in a while, and certainly not this year while a small piece could fall to the floor and Little Buddy will inevitably find it before we do and give a new home in his mouth. The pieces don't fit so well after being bombarded by drool.

However Bill has been working with me on another puzzle.

As a counselor, I am always trying to figure people out. People and problems are puzzles of sorts. It takes time to see a clear picture. Sorry, its just in my nature.

And recently there has been a timeline and persona in my early  years that I am trying to piece together, that I have never bothered to consider before. Bill was even surprised. But putting this puzzle together, and then talking to a particular source, non-judgementally, may significantly help my ability to understand, empathize and heal in an area with a large scar. Both figurativly and literally.

Age 2 was a bit of a complicated mess. And a mystery.

And there is at least one thing I must figure out.

And sadly, until the mystery, the puzzle is solved, or sorted through, and picture becomes more clear, I can't say a whole lot more. And I hate crypic messages. And realize that is kind of what I am putting out here.

All that to say, an engineer and a counselor are working togther to solve it (yes, you read that right, he is helping me with psychology!!! unreal, eh). And maybe this is where we work well togther. 2 completely different functional halves of a brain. Putting another puzzle together.

No hot cocoa.

But some good bonding time.

Peace

The more I come to peace with myself, the less I engage in war with others

running in the cold

Its difficult to even place my hand on the icy golden doorknob. Much less turn it to the right  or push the door open.

"its too early" "Ben needs to be napping"  "Ben needs to be fed" "has Ben gotton enough playtime?" "do I have enough time to do this?"

I peek over at our electronic weather center sitting atop the pub table to check the oudoor running conditions. "whats the temperature?" "will it get ANY warmer?" "whats the wind speed and directon?" Then I look out the window to our treeline at the edge of our property to see if the trees are moving too much.

I  rumage around our house, traversing our stairs a few times, to see if I have all of my gear.
phone? check
headphones? check
neckwarmer? check
gloves? check
head band/ear covers? (I have very sensative ears you know...) check
the right pants? extra layers?

With all of my questions answers and all of the stars alighned, then, only then, do I even reach for the door.

I step tentively out onto the stoop. I feel the slightest of breeze and cold tingle on the tip of my nose. And consider turning around.

 "Do I really want to do this?" "Its  sooo cold!" " I have an elliptical and bike in the comparaively much warmer basement." There is no biting wind in my basement.

Somewhere in the middle of my time-wasting negative self-talk, a message appears on my Iphone. According to Facebook, my sister just fininshed her 6 mile training run 5 minutes ago and 3 and a half hours south.

Thats all the motivation I need. That last push over the edge. I have to be able to keep up with her- step for step. Its a sister thing.

I promptly flick my thumb over the screen to the "music" app and hit play. The scroll over to Runkeeper and select "Begin Workout".

Face to the wind and with a 15 second delay, I'm out. Running. Cold. Healthy. Moving.

 Out of excuses.

To all the clients and therapists before

I would officially like to apologize to my former therapist.
It's been several years. I saw one while in grad school. For 2 reasons. 1 was because you are encouraged to as a counseling student. And of course I want to do what all good little counselors do. And really as a therapist, I should understand what it is to be the client.
2. It was during my moms decline and I was having some serious difficulty with guilt and being overwhelmed and over scheduled

It was so helpful for me and I know I am better now because of her help. Thank you Kathy!

However in the midst of it, I know I was a rough client. I understood the process somewhat and tested her and personally felt ridiculous, like as a counselor in training, I should already know the answers. Knowing the process adds a whole different dynamic to the counseling relationship I was resistant. I had a wall. I made her do a lot of work. I still cane every week . And I wonder if she really knows how great she was. I did though send her thank you notes along the way and have since sent her an update email.

I think about this now, later in my practice. 100 plus clients later. The fun, the difficult, the self-aware and clueless ones along the way. I have learned a good deal from each one. Grown and been stretched.

Where was I along the continuum for her? What, if anything, did she learn from me?

To My former therapist and to all of my past current and future clients :

Thank You

Goal 4: Relationships

My 4th realm of mindfulness is in relationships.

This is pretty broad but I am going to narrow it down to
1. spouse
2. friends
3. family

(Ben got his own mindfulnes post)

1. Spouse:
They always say that marriages strain the most after the birth of a baby. And I can see why/how. All of the attention goes into baby, whereas it used to go into each other. Date nights or the ability to just get up and go on an adventure togther is significantly limited. Your partner wants your attention, but someone else NEEDS it.
However I think that being the best parents we can be includes being the best team that we can be. And I want to be that and improve in that. How can I be mindful of my time and relationship with my husband. ( I am open for suggestions)
A few ideas: 

• again, limit my screen/online time to after hours if possible
• Just "be". Be together. enjoy. sit side by side on the couch.
• be intentional in my interactions. say "hi, how was your day" when he gets home, make it a positive interaction vs "i had to___ " or "you didn't ____" or other negative nonsense
• try and get out and do more everyday stuff together. shopping, errands. Maybe even "gasp" a date night. we have really sucked at date night type activities in the past almost year.

2. Friends:
One of last years goals was to make new friends. I have come to the realization that I am not a "lots of friends" type of a person. More quality than quantity. And I have been floundering and the quality part lately, which is why I have felt rather disconected and isolated. And I have learned that just "being a parent" is not enough to go on to meeting people and making friends.

I have a couple of people close by who I would like to be more intentional about strengthening those friendships. Talking, walking, listening, little outings. There have been a few outings in the past few weeks that have just been lovely.
I have also joined this MOPS group. Yes, parents, but also hopefully some common interests in spirituality. Lets hope so.




3. Family:
Now that I have an expanding family, I am beginning to value family more, in all of its insane glory. Family isn't perfect, but it is important. Roots, connectedness, shared stories, genetics, etc. I want Ben to be a part of that.
I very much want to be more intentional about connecting with family, having time, energy having Ben know his family and seeing them.

With my family its a lot of webcam calls, which are always weird for me, but I can deal with that. I mainly put the camera on Ben so they can watch his antics and I talk off screen. And sending pictures via phone or emails. I need to do that more. Family who are reading this, feel free to remind/harrass me to do so if I am slacking. I will continue to be mindful of reminding my younger sister that she needs to move north!
And just an hour and 20 north are lots of my in-laws and Bens aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents. I need to take advantage of those resources more and visit. I want Ben to KNOW them and have good memories and connections. And well, I just like them.

A lot of this is will be me initiating and doing, verses wishing what everyone else would do in relationships. I cannot expect anyone else to mind read or assume. It will force me out of my comfort zone in making people feel like they are wanted/needed/important/liked, which I am not so good at. I usually like to have a wall of apathy so if it seems I don't care, then I can't get hurt.

And what do you think I tell my clients about this kind of thing?

Yes therapist, take your own advice!