pink and purple

October is obviously breast cancer awareness month. You see it everywhere from the pink bats in baseball to pink shoes in football to increases in Susan Komen fundraising commercials and lots of Facebook posts. And I am glad that people are raising money and  awareness because cancer sucks. And I really hope someday there is a cure.

What you do not often hear about is that October is also Domestic Violence Awareness month. And as someone who works in the field and has had it affect people I love, it is important to be aware of. Because domestic violence feeds and festers in darkness and silence.

So if you already know a ton about this, please discontinue reading. Many of my friends also work in the field. And if you do, please add to my commentary and/or correct anything I may say that is incorrect or not updated. I am going to try to keep this pretty simple.

Last week there was a huge domestic violence incident that made the news outside of Milwaukee. Where a man walked into the salon that his ex-wife worked at and shot her, some co-workers and eventually himself. She had an order of protection against him. This is a super tragic and extreme case. I pray for comfort and healing for all affected by this.

However this is the picture that most people have about domestic violence. These overtly psychotic acts. But it starts so much earlier. So much simpler. Depending on your source, the stats are that 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 women have experienced domestic violence in some form. Think about it. Look around at co-workers or moms in your neighborhood or family members. You know someone who has been in an abusive relationship of some kind. Whether you know about it or not. (and yes, men can be victims too. however a significant minority)

It usually starts with small things. Emotional or verbal abuse of somesort. Questioning. Needing to know whereabouts on a regular basis (like hourly). jealousy. manipulation. talking in circles. "king of the castle" mentality. making you feel guilty. it moves to put downs, humiliation, intimidation, threats, isolation. a victim feels like they are walking on eggshells and fears what to do or say next.  THere are so many examples. THis stuff can go on for years before it ever gets physical. A way of wearing someone down. When these tools no longer work, the ante goes up. Its all about controlling someone in a relationship. Rather than seeing your partner as your equal, they are subordinate, less than, which then makes the abuser feel more powerful.better about themselves. (and there is a psychology in the batterer. with some exceptions. I work with them. They are not "EVIL". But broken humans.Usually having grown up witnessing dv or some trauma)

The belief out there in the past (and sadly is still out there) has been that it is a private issue. A family issue. But it is not. It is a social issue. It is a legal issue. It is illegal to physically hurt or threaten another person in any way. Even if you are married to them. Its sad that there are people who do not know this.

it does not discriminate on race or socioeconomic status. rich and poor alike have domestic violence.

And when no one says "boo" about it or "its not my problem", in a way it says "its okay". Its like not standing up against racism. Not speaking up about persecution of gays or lesbians. And if hatred and violence in our world is "not your problem" then I would like to know what world you live in and plan on having your children grow up in. Because all things start at home and in ourselves. Peace. Hate. Love. War. If we cannot love ourselves, then we cannot love others. If we have violence at home, we will show violence in other ways in the world. Family is our first social system. What we learn there, we project onto the rest of the world and act upon it. i.e if home if not safe and trustworthy, than neither is anything else in the world.

My son will grow up in that world.

My hope is that he grows up in a world of people who are at peace with themselves. Who hate violence. Who stand up for what is right. A world where all people are seen as equal in importance and value, regardless of what gender they are or color they are or orientation they are.

I think about football. I would love to see those guys adorned in purple. socks, gloves, helmet straps. Standing up against domestic violence. I know that football is a very rough sport (and I admit that I love it). There is a "tough guy" image. So many pro-athletes we hear about getting involved in "domestic disputes" i.e. domestic violence. What if men and pro athletes told each other "hey man, that isn't cool" and kicked a guy off of a team for that.  Sending a message that violence at home is not acceptable, that treating your family, your partner with respect and dignity is one of the most important things that there is. More than money. fame. power. control.

I leave you with this. My favorite quote. Its hanging in our abuser group room, my office and is on my fb page. I work on this every day. Because I want a more peaceful world. And I know it begins with me.

"THE MORE I COME TO PEACE WITH MYSELF, THE LESS I ENGAGE IN WAR WITH OTHERS."

(if you think you are in an abusive relationship and need help or do not know where to start, please call the national domestic violence help line and start to talk through it with a professional. its free!  1−800−799−SAFE(7233)   )

nap time

My sweet boy is currently upstairs napping peacefully. There are few things more beautiful than watching him sleep.

For some parents, nap time is also a peaceful and restful time for them. I envy those who can nap. However this is not the case for me.

During wake time Ben and I play and sing and read and learn and he also helps me with chores and errands. I carry him in his Ergo through the grocery store or while I'm putting away dishes. He'll sit next to me in a stroller if I am starting dinner or working on my latest homegrown cooking project. And it all takes just a little bit longer with a baby on your hip. And that is okay.

its when nap time hits that I fall into a frantic mode, of "what can I get done quickly in the shortest amount of time that I can't get done with Ben on my hip". There are so many things that I want to do that it can become almost paralyzing where to start, especially when you do not know how much time we are working with...20 minutes to 3 hours: fix lunch, work on laundry, write blog, make appointments, check on whatever else was cooking, check e-mail, work on music for ICA conference, work out, do eval write up for work, look up this thing for youth ministry, clean up the play mess we made earlier, wipe down counters, clean bathrooms with bleach products, cut back bushes, plant bulbs...and the list goes on and on. A list of "should"s

I do that a lot. You know, "should" all over myself.

I get caught up in all of the things I should do rather than just lower the anxiety and enjoy the moment. Enjoy the quiet. Be okay with getting maybe 2 things accomplished rather than 15. As if not doing 15 things makes me less of a person. Its just never enough.

I can blame my upbringing a little bit. I mean my mom raised 3 kids while maintaining a small farm and working anywhere between 1-3 jobs and keeping house and trying to enjoy her hobbies and pay bills and all the other things that working single moms do. I wonder if I ever saw her rest.

And I have been used to the working, going to school, planning a wedding, taking care of mom, doing homework, volunteering, etc all at the same time. Perhaps all of these experiences have prepared me for parenthood.

But even so when I look at those years, they all passed by so darn fast. those working college years. the years with mom. Can you believe I've been married for 7 years? These upcoming years will not pass any slower. And if I don't slow down, I will miss them.

And I want to maintain my home and goals. Its a balancing act for sure.

And with whatever time I have left of naptime today, I shall head to the basement and work out on the elliptical with my kindle. and the tv on. and my ipod. Cause thats just how I roll.

Have I really learned a thing?

Pork, its whats for dinner

In addition to all of my weird homemade everyday foods, I am also just working on keeping my food/dinners more local, and interesting.

I have been a huge proponent of the farmers market. I'm going to struggle through the winter significantly, however I have 3 things going for me.

1. Grayslake has a Saturday market that goes until December
2. Farmer Nick's winter CSA
3. my hope of ACTUALLY canning stuff next year, now that I find it not so scary.

Saturday I worked on a Pork Roast. In the last few months I started eating pork again, as long as I approve of its beginnings. We did some pretty wicked pork chops the other week. Pan barbecued. so good.

My bff lately has been America's Test Kitchen/Cook's Country. Its a PBS tv show and I love it. They thoroughly test recipes, cooking utensils, ingredients, and tell you what is the best according to their chefs and testers and panel based on tons of trials. (I would love to figure out how to get on THAT panel). I have been using their recipes for everything and have a little subscription to their e-mail/website.

(For the record, any cookbook or supplies by ATK makes an excellent Christmas gift for me this year)

So I figure whatever recipe I use is going to be good. Here is todays recipe: Slow roasted POrk shoulder with peach sauce 

here is how it looked before it goes into the oven...

One problem I still have is lack of supplies and lack of ability to read the recipe before I decide to work on it. That came to a head here as its supposed to go on a "v rack". so the juices drain under it. um, what? So in my McGuyver style back pocket, I found my mixer beaters and a mini cooling rack. that is under my roast. I have a few things to pick up later a Bed Bath and Beyond (who I did notice is carrying a line of made in the USA bakeware)

So it'll be in for 5-6 hours.
\
Here is the end result.

Add reduced peach sauce over top. Mmmm
served with sides of baked apples and acorn squash.

Did I mention that my brother in law is was for his military drill this weekend. We only serve our military the best here.

say what...

Children. They make you do things you never thought possible.

Its funny cause I really dislike over the top cheesy kinds of things. And that is EXACTLY what they love. Over the top expressions, reactions, tones, music, etc/

I thought I would struggle with it more, but it is what it is.

I never thought I would hear myself say:

- "poop!" "did you fart!?" "thats a good spit up!" and so excitedly. ok, so this really isn't that far out of my box. My sense of humor is like a 12 year old boy.  Even my conservative husband can't get mad in this context.

-"no, you may not bite my  nipple". and he just smiles and thinks its hilarious. It kind of is. but it kind of is not.

- "don't eat your diaper. don't eat my face. don't eat ...___" he shoves everything in his mouth. What to do instead, find something to replace it with.

-"yay!!" I celebrate internally usually. but he needs to hear me celebrate.

Ways I never thought I would talk:

- yep, baby talk. I never thought I would. That sing songy voice. I don't even cringe when I hear it recorded. Which I have to show off some of his little feats.

- repeating. I hate hraving to repeat myself. However, that is how he learns. Say words or phrases over and over

Actions:

- I will nurse wherever. If he's hungry, then he needs to eat. I always cover up though. I've even nursed him while holding him and trying to gather things around the house for work. I'm otherwise usually pretty conservative and self-conscious about the body.

- cleaning up poop: the kitties poop grosses me out more now. I mean, now that baby's eating solids, its way more gross that before, but its no big deal anymore. I've done it hundreds of times and will do it thousands more.

-laundry. once one of my most despised chores is welcomed. I need clean diapers, clothes, bibs and it is something I can actually do while holding him.


what I've learned the most here is that it is not about me. You just do what you have to do for him. Which often means coming out of your own comfort zone. And as a therapist, that place outside of your comfort zone is where the best most life changing stuff happens.

Sissy, come home!!!

So this is what I have been thinking about all day. At home and while driving about on errands.

I have 2 sisters. My older will probably never consider moving back to Chicago. Stupid Seattle. However, my younger one is just out of the reach of Chicago. And I believe that it continues to beckon her to return. I shall help that cause with the following top ten list:

TOP 10 REASONS BEAVIS NEEDS TO MOVE BACK NORTH:

10. Clearly the dating pool in Champaign has dried up. whatever there was of one

9. So much closer to fun and cultural events. great concert venues. Wrigley field. the Mag Mile. O'Hare. Shopping!! 

8. Don't your besties live up here? Hello Laura and Jenny. Help me out here.

7.  Family!! Cousins. Sisters.  babies. Bill's fam. kitties. This little one has yet to meet her adopted kitty cousins...

6. Milwaukee and all its breweries and distilleries a short drive away. so many to explore. Where else can you find cornhole games that say "bunghole?"

5. Sister date  nights. Chatty drunk sisters. fun times.  Mmm wine bar.

4.  Food. Hello Oberweis, Portillos, Chicago-style pizza, (your sisters homemade delights)...

3. You can only call people out on cheating at games if you are there. live. or at least its more fun to do so. 

2. The Cubs desperately need a lucky charm

1. This guy:

Enough said???

pet peeves

We all have them. Those little stupid insignificant things that probably shouldn't bother us, but do.

Here is a sprinkling of mine

1. Someone chewing with their mouth open is there anything more to say about this?

2. When dads "babysit" . And maybe its because I hear this at work a lot. "I babysat my daughter..." But I'm sorry, you do not "babysit" your own kids. its called parenting. Spending quality time with your child. And no, you will not get a medal for doing your job.

3. Not using your blinker/turn signal until your already in the process. "oh, you want to turn? I couldn't figure that out from you cutting me off and your car was 3/4 of the way into my lane. I just thought maybe you were drunk.

4. When people are outraged at breastfeeding, but then go home to watch an r-rated movie
because God-forbid we use them for what they were made for.

5. political extremism. No so much that it exists, but the way that the extremes communicate their opinions/ideas. in such a condescending all or nothing manner and never even listen to the others pov without thinking of their retort in the meantime. as a moderate it makes for a political environment that is intolerable.

6. Glasses Everywhere. ok, this one is pinpointed towards my dear wonderful husband (he really is dear and wonderful). For some reason he cannot reuse glasses. He goes through maybe 10 a day and leaves them all over the house. (rarely the dishwasher) Usually with some amount of liquid in it. It reminds me of the little girl from the movie "Signs"... "its contaminated..." (please tell me someone gets the reference)

7. Spilled Milk.  Um ok, I don't drink milk cause I don't like the taste, so I'm not talking about cows milk. I'm talking my milk. After pumping. Anytime I spill any amount, especially if its more than 1/2 an ounce, I go completely ballistic. In my head anyway. I can usually control the outward swearing.  Its liquid gold I tell you, and I have just wasted precious currency.

8. Moist. its just the grossest word out there. worse than "panties". Everytime the word is said I get the heeby jeebies. I once met someone with that as their last name. I would rather die. Or change my name. One of the two.

Ok thats all for now.

If you come to my house, don't get outraged at my breastfeeding and leave glasses around while talking about your poitical extremism or how you babysit your kids and knock over my moist liquid gold.

from scratch

So I found this book on Amazon. For my latest exploits, its the bomb-diggity.

It has every category of things I would like  to figure out how to make. Pastas, breads, preserving fruits and veggies, to many instant/prepackaged kinds of foods like crackers and poptarts, sauces, sweets, etc. So so so many things

I am really liking the challenge of this "make things myself" kick. It feels like a Rage against the Man. Or Rage against processed foods. Whatever we want to call it. It is slowly changing how I see food. significantly. That is another post for another day.

I really just wanted to share some of what I tried most recently:

Hummus with wheat crackers (both homemade)

cheese crackers. (the real cheese is not homemade-although Wisconsin made)

pop tarts

applesauce

'

chocolates. truffles and bark- sorry no photo. I forgot to take a picture and they didn't last.

always with the granola

I also have lots of hamburger buns and loaves of bread in the freezer from my last baking kick

right next to Ben's frozen foods

Next things on the list to try in the upcoming weeks:

-roasted tomatoes. possibly to be canned most likely frozen

-another try at the pop tarts with lighter flour

-mayonaise

-fish sticks

-tortillas

I have an easy recipe to make sauerkraut. However this requires fermenting. I am really really gun-shy of trying this. Fermenting intimidates me. It could go so horribly wrong.

Similar feelings about cheese. We've got all of the equipment now. Its just a matter of trying it.

Probably the most fun of all of this is sharing it. With Bill. With a few lucky neighborly friends. 

I am seriously considering this to be a theme for the annual "Burris Christmas Spectacular" This year. Why can't everything at my party be from scratch. I even found a place that will do in-home all natural cooking classes that could be fun for the party too. Would that be fun? Of course there would be the gift exchange too.

Maybe. Or an interactive mystery game.

.