Nursing is boring

Hello.

For the record, I am writing this while Ben is napping. And while avoiding paperwork I need to finish for Catholic Charities (my little fill in work). NOT while nursing.

For starters, as another precursor, i am very glad that I made the decision to nurse my baby and was able to do it and was stubborn enough to get through the very difficult first 1.5 months of it. I feel like I am giving him some good natural stuff and creating some good bonding between us. And yes, judge me if you will, I do use it to pacify him as well. when all else fails to settle him down (even if he just got done eating)...he loves to chill with momma, in nursing position. And who wouldn't love cuddling this little snuggle bug?

Its amusing how comfortable I have come with just whipping it out, or just letting them sit out ALL OF THE TIME. Don't worry, if you come over for a visit, I always use my cover.

But the truth of the matter is, nursing is boring. Now keep in mind this comes from someone who is slightly ADD. Nursing can take anywhere from 15-60 minutes. Now, 60 is closer to when he was a newborn, and I have been impressed lately by his efficiency and sucking power to get it done much faster, at times in as few as 15 minutes. And I do love to watch him, and sometimes we have eye contact and it is beautiful. But how long can someone really maintain that for? OK, I mean "me". Can you stare at someone for 45 minutes? straight? I try. really i do.

And I talk to him. Don't worry. This kid gets non-stop verbal assualts (with very sweet words) from his momma. I wonder sometimes if this will help his verbal skills one day or hinder them (why talk if momma is doing it non-stop?)

I wanted to go on the internet while nursing. but then got nervous with some peoples imput and what I'd read that it may not be very good for him to have the heat of the laptop there or the invisible electronic rays/signals/whatever right next to his head. So I've pretty much stopped that. Including going on my phone.

There's tv. But lets be honest people, tv stinks. There are a total of about 3 shows that I care about watching (not including sports) and 2 of them are not airing right now. (my guilty guilty pleasures of The Biggest Loser and Dancing with the Stars)

So. besides that. I have found comfort again in my Kindle. I was using it a lot, but then waned. Now I am back. I have read a few hardcover books too that were given to me by various people. I love this device. Its a basic Kindle. But i sometimes forget how much I like to read. until I do it. I do it while nursing, working out, waiting at the dr. office, etc.

would you like to know what I've been reading?
 NO!??
too bad.

-I read and finished the entire Hunger Games series. Good at the beginning. However I think the author just grew tired of it by the end and rushed through it. Completely worth the read/time.

-Out of the Darkenss: the story of Mary Ellen Wilson.  Did you know that there were laws and organizations in the US to protect the rights of animals before protecting the rights of Children???                


-Ghosty Men: The Strange but true story of the Collyer Brothers. THE quintessential story about hoarders

-Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet... I HIGHLY recommend this book. Good historical/cultural fiction that is heartbreaking. Few books have a moment that catches me so off guard as this one did.


- Half Broke Horses by Jeanette Walls.  If you read The Glass Castle. This gives you some interesting insight into where her mother came from. A Good read.


-Sing You Home by Jodi Piccoult. A somewhat controversial book, as usual by Jody. She always makes you think about social/ethical issues. She gives a glimpse at both sides. I don't recommend if you are pregnant. i started reading it while expecting and the first few chapters were somewhat traumatizing. I put it down and waited till after Ben was born to continue on.


-Life of Pi by Yann martel. An interesting story of being stranded at sea. if you can believe it actually happened.


-Currently I am reading this: 'In the Garden of Beasts" by Erik Larson. And if you like history (which I am somewhat obsessed with WW2 history) and anything else he has ever written (which I would recommend his other books too). its the story of the US embassador to Germany just before WW2 and how society was changing around him and what he did and did not do and his naivety. its a slow read. but chalk full of info


and I keep trying to read "Cutting for Stone" but it is boring me. With enough encouragement I may be able to continue on.

I am super open to other book suggestions.
Especially if they have a spiritual bent. i am actually desperately in need of some good real life practical spiritually encouraging books in the vein of Donald Miller or Anne LaMott. I've heard Jenn Hatmaker is good. Any thoughts???

Wow.

See. I am rather ADD.

A Memorable Anniversary

today marks 7 years of marriage to my Dear Husband.

1 year ago we did not spend our anniversary quite as we had expected. at all. We were not quite 1 month into knowing we were expecting. The day before I had been experiencing some minor bleeding, and was not sure if I should be concerned. I spoke to Bill about it and by the time we decided we should call it was late, so we/I  decided to call the next morning (felt bad disturbing family time- which I find out later he's a bachelor). My doc was not particularly happy with me for waiting and told me to go to the ER. So I did.

And so our anniversary was spent in the ER. Pretty romantic, eh.

It turned out that everything was ok. The scare was possible miscarriage. But upon inspection and tests, it was probably placental implantation? Apparently it takes 6 hours to figure all of this out. We did learn some important info that day...my blood type being o- and Bill's being positive, this is a problem, esp if this baby is positive. If our blood mixes, my body may reject any future fetus', esp if they are rh+. Unless I get a series of shots with rh antibodies. it pretty rare to have this blood type combo is a couple. At this er visit I got my first one. (and it was a good thing as my baby is Rh positive)

By the end of this ordeal, we are pretty emotionally drained. But still make it out to dinner later. We had much to celebrate.

I think what frustrated us the most was not really being able to share it with anyone since we weren't telling anyone we were expecting yet. I know we could have, but it was so personal at the time. we decided to wait until 2nd trimester to tell everyone because of the high rate of miscarriage in the 1st.  Maybe 2 people knew at this point. (and only because they asked point blank and I can't lie)

It can only go up from here,right

Well, here we are at 7 years. While I already know it won't be the ideal day. Bill now has to work (thank you train derailment in Northbrook...you don't think about how things like that affect all of the industries it serves. No raw material delivery means no production. Which means maintenance kicks into high gear since they won't be running...which is the department my DH heads up...gah!)

So if we're lucky, we will get to do dinner. Worst case scenario, we move it to a different day.
And in the scheme of things, while I love to celebrate (LOVE to celebrate)...its not the end of the world.

And we have a beautiful healthy baby boy who we did not lose 1 year ago.
And there is no "itch" at 7 years here.
And it becomes better each year and simultaneously more complex as we expand the latticework of who we are and what this family is and grow as people.
And when all is said and done, while nothing it perfect, I wouldn't change a thing.

May we enjoy 7 x 70 more. Good. bad and everything in between

4 months plus

Can you believe that Ben is over 4 months now?/*/*its funny how new parents chart milestones and age in months. Its like new teenage relationships. "its our 4 month anniversary". But I suppose thats what happens when you embark on new love. And this is new love for sure...


A lot has happened in 4 months. More recently its been fun to watch his development as he giggling, sleeping better, just about able to roll over onto his tummy, start to grab at things, follow objects and voices with his eyes, watching eye color change, change into the next size clothing up because he's getting longer and longer.

4 months seems like a super long time, and it seems like a super short time.

I've learned a lot about myself, about parenting, the world and my son.

First things first, I have to say that I recognize that not only am I super lucky and blessed to have a beautiful happy baby boy, but I am also super lucky that he is such a good and happy baby. Does he fuss? of course. But he has one 2 hour fussy period a day (and have found ways to quell that usually) and fusses when he's hungry. And thats easy to quell. Otherwise he smiles, giggles, naps (still working on this), kicks, and is learning new stuff daily.

So of course, with my experience so far, I can say that its honestly been easier than I expected. I am sleep deprived and sometimes overwhelmed. But its not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'd still like my 8 hours and would love time to keep up on cleaning. But its just not realistic. My home is not intolerably messy and I can take 6 hours of sleep, even if its split into 2-3 hour increments. I do tend to walk into life experiences expecting the worst, be it healthy or not, which probably helps my perspective right now.

I did start cloth diapering a couple of months ago now. I thought, "why not try?" And so far, I like it. I haven't forced anyone to do it with me, and Bill alternates from grabbing a disposable diaper and a cloth diaper depending on what he feels like grabbing. Also we still have an awful lot of disposables in our house. What I didn't expect was for cloth diapering to be somewhat addictive. There are a lot of "cute" diapers and different kinds out there. I know I know "cute?- but he poops in it?" its illogical. But it is what it is. I mean, look what I found!

And on that note, my spending has changed. The majority of what I used to buy was clothes for myself. And to honest, it may have been slightly out of control. Especially in the shoe department. But now the focus of EVERYTHING, including spending is on Ben. I really have to limit myself on buying clothes, diapers, toys, etc for him. How cute is he in his newest gadget, the Bumbo (which I now hear mixed reviews on how good it is or is not for his spine.) He seems to like it anyway.(also if you could see his outfit- it says "cuddlesauraus" with a dino on it. so cute!)

I've also been super slow on decorating and getting Ben's room together. I'm really bad at decorating. I know what I like when I see it, but never know how to actually crate something. I couldn't even pick out my home colors with help. But slowly Ben's room is coming together. Yes, while some people are buying baby room furniture and putting it together at 4 months pregnant, I am doing it when he's 4 months old. Oh well, I've always been a late bloomer. We finally put his crib together this weekend (hold off your judgements!) and am super excited to get this put into the room (Bill's cousin's created his own version of it which I cannot wait to see and use) Again, I saw this and knew I wanted it. I never could have conceptualized something like this myself.

Although I still don't know where exactly in his room it will go. I'll wait for Bill's cousin to tell me where it should go and maybe even design the room for me when he brings it up here. I'll show pictures when its all complete.

Also Bill and I have learned a lot about compromise. We have some different ideas about some parenting issues, such as travel with Ben for example. He compromised hugely in allowing him to do a mini road trip to Iowa to visit my friends Bill and Jennie with some other girlfriends. But all went well and smoothly. I have comprimised on his ideas for vaccine schedule. He's open to the cloth diapers which was my idea. Babysitting, daily practices, scheduling, etc.. All issues of discussion. We are practicing our communication and negotiation skills daily! And I think this process is actually quite positive for us.

And every day I find my self walking a fine line between judging myself for doing the right thing by Ben. For giving myself some me time. For every little decision I make for him. And really, its not helpful to judge myself. There is enough judgement out there from everywhere and everyone else. I've learned moms are super critical of each other over so many issues. working or not working. sleeping issues. diapering issues. childbirthing issues. what you feed your child.  vaccines. and on and on and on. And really its overwhelming. Everyone wants to be the best parent that they can be. And it looks different for everyone (I could write an entire thesis on this issue). Why are we judging each other instead of supporting each other. Are we as moms really so insecure that we have to find these little issues to make ourselves feel like we are better than everyone else? How will this really help our children to think like this. I want my child to learn to love and accept people and not judge them. Such an example to the contrary that we are setting so early.

Ok, *stepping off of soapbox*

Anyway, this is my baby. And I just love him. All 18+ weeks, 13 pounds, 25 inches of him

internet fast

Well, after another call to AT&T and some rewiring, we finally have our internet back. Finally!

Now its not to say that I've been completely internet free. I can access it through my Blackberry, through my husbands work Iphone and through one job one day a week (and even that computer is down!) But the blackberry has serious limits.

But being internet free has not been a bad thing. Actually on the contrary I think it was quite good for me and I learned a bunch of lessons for myself

1. is that I really am far too dependent on computers and the internet. Facebook, rafflecopter sweepstakes, ebay, Amazon, Swagbucks, Blogs, new articles, Words with Friends. If I counted up how many hours I had been spending online before it went down, it would be shameful. So I'm not going to attempt.-

2. And with that, there are lots of other things I can be doing with that time. Even just minutes here and there add up. Imagine a few extra minutes playing with my boy. Using that hour to read a book (and have finally started a book a friend lent me and am enjoying it thoroughly and have almost completed it. Tending to the flowers outside. (I did finally plant my impatiens along the front walkway)

3. What it also has done that is not so good is feed into my ability to avoid. No one calls anymore, but sends e-mails. Or video chat. With the internet being down, I can use that excuse, "oh, I missed that, my internet has been down".

4. it has limited my internet shopping. Not that I had a problem or addiction. But many things become very tempting to purchase when you are spending gobs of time looking at Etsy, Ebay, Amazon, Babies R us, and other such sites. So no temptation, no purchase. My pocketbook thanks AT&T

Now that I say that I have learned a few things, what do I plan to do about it? I'm not entirely sure. But I do know that I plan to visit it less, although in the 24 hours I have had it back, the laptop has been with me many of those hours (not sleeping or working)

perhaps I should set a goal, or a limit to time spent on it. 2 hours? While that still sounds like a lot, its a lot less than I have been. I have other things to focus on and few excuses.

Still have to finish that pantry, get some workouts in, play with my son, talk to my husband, clean my house, tend to the yard, take pictures of my boy, plan something fun, play with my neglected kitty, paint, call a friend, the options are endless.

Now its time to get off the computer...

in another life

Do you ever consider all the different "what ifs" in life? What if you'd made this decision...dated that person, took that job, gone on a trip...

I tend to think about this a lot. But in one certain context. Jobs/careers, etc. I think this is the case because of the extreme importance that was put on working and self-sufficiency as a kid. way more than anything else like who you date, education, whatever. Yet mom also said "do what you love"

The problem for me is that I love a lot of things. I consider myself a bit of a "jack of all trades, master of none". Could also be that I'm too lazy to put too much work into any one thing.

I love helping people, nature, art, geography, adventure, faith, activity, kids, animals, and the list goes on.

Last year when Bill and I travelled to AZ we visited a few state and national parks and hiked. I LOVED it. I loved being there, hiking, and watching the park rangers in the educational component, the manual labor, etc. Even Bill said that he could see me being a park ranger. However the midwest doesn't lend itself to many national parks. In another life.

I was in youth ministry for a while. Literally in another life. I used to always want to do missions trips. Summer long like many people I knew. To western Europe, Haiti, Africa, Asia.  However the expense seemed insurmountable (how do people afford it?) and asking people to sponsor me was unthinkable. I can't even bring myself to ask someone for an Asprin, much less hundreds of dollars for a trip. Funds have kept me from lots of adventure. Of course now I have the funds and there are other tethers right now.

And you know how much I love animals. In high school I wanted nothing more than to be a veterinarian. Senior year I even did an internship with a large animal vet. Through that I learned that while I loved the work, it took an awful lot of years of schooling and thus money. Also it takes a lot of memorization and attention to detail, neither of which I am any good at.

I have thought at various times that in another life I could have been a weatherman, a bakery shop owner, a fitness instructor, an adventure guide, a stewardess, a photographer, a musician, a horse trainer, a soldier, and the list goes on.

And yet where I am is nowhere I had ever dreamed. A professional counselor. A mom. A wife. And I am happy and satisfied in each of these roles. I love the purpose, the inspiration and the challenge in each. And yet they allow me to continue to dream of what else could be. Who will my son be and do with his life (ball player, father, doctor, teacher, farmer, president...?). What goals and places will my husband and I still pursue together. What else can I do in my professional life. Will I get to use things I love in professional practice to help people one day...music therapy, equine assisted therapy, activity as therapy, volunteer to counsel missionaries...limitless the possibilities.

I don't get another life. Just this one. in different phases. And I intend to make the best of it and allow it to lead me to further places I never imagined.

Of Kitty and Baby

Several people have asked me lately..."How has the kitty taken to the baby?"
Especially since whether or not we would be keeping kitty was up in the air (if you ask Bill, it still is, if you ask me, keeping her was my birthday present :)). Also you never quite know how pets will be. I mean, kitty was our baby, literally, since 2 weeks old.

here they are, about as close as they ever get :

First thing, yes our kitty's name is "Annie". Yet somehow we have just started calling her "Kitty" and that is actually what she responds to. So perhaps that may become her official name. Maybe it already is. So "kitty" is how I shall be referring to her out of habit.

I was actually concerned at first. Especially since for a while before Ben was born, she would literally lay on half of my face in the morning. While its kind of cute and I can tolerate it as an adult. I was scared to death that she would do that to baby. Also, we probably play a little rough with kitty. No one gets hurt, well maybe more Bill and I since she'd got some serious claws (and was not declawed since her status in the house was undertermined). We had some serious scratches. We certainly don't want that to happen to baby.

Sorry pet lovers (while I am too)...baby trumps kitty. So if kitty does anything to jeopardize baby, she jeopardizes her status in this house.

However Kitty has somewhat changed since we brought baby home. Its interesting. She has done nothing that I have feared.

Kitty keeps her distance from baby. She understands that baby comes first and is fragile. She has clearly noticed that the attention has shifted to baby. So she also is somewhat starved for attention. While I was afraid she might regress in her potty habits, she hasn't. She does other little things to gain attention. Shes a clever and naughty little kitty in her own ways.

now, to make her presence known she has a few tricks. She will purposely knock small items off of tables, countertops, etc. anything from pens to greeting cards, cell phones, whatever she can get her paws on. She also gets right under your feet when you have a free second away from baby and results in accidental "step-ons". She will also just come in a room and sit in the middle and watch everyone. Sometimes will come up to me or hubby and bat at our feet.

Play time with Kitty has gotten more amusing, making the most out of the little play time she gets. She has her favorite toy...these little ropes that I used to use to tie back curtains. She now takes them down and drags them around the house. Also if we pick it up and drag it she will chase it and even go so far as to "play fetch " with it, I throw the rope, she runs after it and brings it back to me. several times.

Kitty and I also have a thing that when I am in a certain chair with baby, usually nursing, she sits on the back of it and leans up against me (shes never been a lap cat...so this is significant)and will let me pet her and half-cuddle. It is all on her terms though.

But she never interacts with the baby or touches him. She looks at him. But thats it. It doesn't even seem in a jealous way. Whatever that would look like in a cat.

And I'm glad of it. I have become quite smitten with the kitty and life she brings to the house. Perhaps she and baby will be playmates someday. And maybe she will just tolerate him. Either way is ok. As long as there is no harm from Kitty to baby.

Who knows, when baby starts crawling/pulling/grabbing. Kitty may have to be the one we have to protect!

And the diaper madness begins...

Well here I am, sitting in my driveway attempting to be a part of the neighborhood garage sale. its probably a good thing that I live way in the farthest back corner of the neighborhood and get little
'rummaging" traffic cause: a. I was running late  b. am trying to manage a garage sale with a little baby c. I really don't have much good stuff to sell and d. I'm nursing. just what everyone loves to see (although I ALWAYS use my cover when others are around)

Anyway, thats not what this blog is about. I wanted to comment on my part time efforts of cloth diapering so far. I really only started getting my orders last weekend and had to wash them a million times before I used them. But I have started using them a bit. Including today.

For starters, I've bought many different brands, trying to focus on the "all in ones" cause I'm lazy, but have a few pocket ones so I could see what those are all about. So even before I "used them" the washing and drying work was interesting. seeing how long it took some of them to dry. Some took waaaayyy longer than others.

For actual use...well, I have a 9 pound baby with tiny thighs. so some leak cause they're not tight enough on his legs. One diaper I was super impressed with the absorbancy. I felt the fabric touching his skin and it was dry. when i checked the layer farthest away from him it was wet. that has to make it more comfy for him! who wants to sit in wetness? I wish I remembered which one it was. oops.

I have to say that these are kind of cute. I like the colors and designs, etc. I don;t like how poofy they are under his onesies. Perhaps thats where having him wear more "shirts" and those baby legs are a decent option (oh I love the baby legs. I could do a whole blog on those!). Or just clothes that are a little big, which everything seems to be a little big on him anyway. At least he's finally starting to outgrow his "newborn" size.

Bill says that he doesn't like that he can't tell if he's wet and needs to be changed. I say just change him every few hours and your good. Doesn't it seem that babies wet the diaper right after you change them anyway? He likes the "swaddlers" disposable diapers cause they have the yellow line that goes blue when wet and checks diaper "puffiness". I haven;t completely forced him to get used to the cloth yet. not my babysitter. This is my experiment and I'm with him most of the time anyway.

I also found a local natural baby store in Racine. THeir selection of cloth diapers and knowledge and other products was highly impressive. If you are local, just check them out.  http://www.rgnaturalbabies.com/

Also, I just ordered some "biodegradable" disposable diapers. I'm super curious about how those work too. and if they are really a viable option.

This is it abut a week in. I have ordered a few more too that are coming. excited to try them too. Especially having a full contigient of sort through and maybe try full time at some point. maybe

This poor kid is one big experiment it seems.. But aren't most first borns?